[The Void]
life is entertaining
2007-05-17
Alarm clock, long drive, 12 hours of work, chit chat, chart and long drive home. Dinner, computer and kids. Thats a normal work day for me. And I finally looked up and said for some damn reason I enjoy it.
Its amazing what kind of roller coaster your emotions can do for you when you let them, or will them. I willed myself into loving today. It took every breath in me to do it. It took only a thought to fall into a sort of emotional pain for a dear friend i have upset. And I never meant to.
Sometimes, I find myself upset not only at the situation, but at the reason I don't understand the situation....that leaves an uncomfortable acknowledgement of that I had not seen or heard something of value. Someone once said Stupidity should hurt....you know what it does. And in the most unbenefical way possible. It comes across in the heart when you let someone down. In the mind when you second guess yourself at who you think you are. In your body when you miss their touch. You can feel it all over, just in different more detailed messages but its all there. When you stand back and view it in a big picture. Just more like a tree would be, the effects being the root system.
Theres alot of talk of moving on in my social group as of late. Someones moving to another state for school. Someone else for easier land prices. Another for a new job. And another just for shits and giggles. I feel somewhere these were the folks who would have stayed the longest....in no matter what I failed in. In their eyes, in my eyes, in the worlds eyes. They had always been there to say hey whats new~ or notice when I wasn't around or hadn't said much that day. Granted, we had nothing else in common, not a whole heck of alot in common actually~ different crafts, different lifestyles and totally different age groups. They remember the seventies as teenagers and I was born in 1979.....haha
But the strange thing is, the social group I live the closest to, is the most silent. And really no matter what I do I am a walking bomb. Ready to say the wrong thing, or make the wrong presentation of my ideas. Its a for sure thing, I will end up pissing off someone and not always sure how to mend it. Never worrying about someone elses opinion leaves a whole lot of empty hearts I have always thought. So I try to make it work, but to what extent? To the extent that I really feel I have no physical hug close by besides my family. And that bold sentence that says that is perfect, unblemished....self pity talk. And I hate that.
I was talking to a co worker after todays shift. she mentioned me not saying much these days...and I smiled....not even bad things ey? And she said no...not much at all besides the kids. I was actually pretty happy with myself. I don't have big things to complain about, a few little things, a few annoying things, and of course those self pity things~ people are out to hurt me and no one likes me...which in the end I will of course suck back into my mouth as untrue..I know they aren't true...then end with a smiling watching myself go through all these damn stages of being 28, a family of kids and hubby, bills and an unknowing future. Gods....I guess its true. If God is watching, lets at least be entertaining!
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