[The Void]
blessings
2007-05-27
I think its true, you shouldn't have to try so hard. Shouldn'ts however don't hold law abiding powers. Just state what the feeling is.
Life has been pretty consistent lately, and I am happy where I am at my age. I am not however happy with my social circle. I miss the laughing that used to be present and the nights out to coffee. I find them in Lebanon when I go to visit. I find them in a few folks that have the time to stop and enjoy my company. I have been thinking about that alot. How many times do I actually get out to dinner? Out to coffee? Well...how many times do I throw that offer out there?
I asked a dear friend for a cleansing ceremony. She just smiled and said about damn time. Things have been heavy on my soul and my heart and I couldn't see clearly under the black pieces of soot collected there. I felt so much lighter when she first began. Filling me with her energy and exploring the parts of me I didn't even know were blocked off. She had some compliments for me which was awesome, and some recomendations....not surprising. Recomendations is a secret way of saying fix this for her. She loves me. And I can see that.
We talked of the last few weeks, the changes taking place. Its amazing, no matter how much you are warned it doesn't really settle in till you experience it anyhow. It doesn't matter how much you love either~ its all in perception. Wow. I had never heard her say this. She had always spoken of love in such an urgent matter that I had taken her accounts down as gospel.
I was lost in that thought. Doesn't matter? What do you mean doesn't matter? Matter...solidified....fact and real. Doesn't matter.....she continued to explain in that 'do you actually question me look' I immediately knew I had jumped to conclusions. There is a reason for everything she said sometimes it was a puzzle I had to unlock. That was the price for getting help. You had to learn, and you had to grow. I never thought of it being such a small fee she constantly pushes me to grow more. And I had finally had to ask her why?
Because not everyone is out to hurt you, and because your not important enough to fix everything. There is a loop for that and your a small particle of it. Ouch...that hurt. But why did it hurt? Did I really think I was that important? Well I guess...perspectives....in a way I must have if it hurt. I think people, the human race is awesome. In our differences of opinion and thinking. In our spiritual manner and our ability to make so many choices outside of life and death.
As she went through the final cleansing she called on my ancestors. And it felt wonderful just being able to share this with her. The only time she calls them is with me. And she gave them an offering of fish and deer fat. I was at a loss for words. Just overcome with emotion and closure.
When I think the world has turned on me, she can relite my eyes to see the bigger picture. And put back into perspective what is important. And with a gentle way she fills me with a love I have never felt outside of our relationship. Then she turned to her ancestors and asked for one in particular to watch over me, I felt this was such an honor I had no idea what to give in exchange. She sat there, custom of course...and I called my whales. The record keepers.
I asked that she was named a seal lion spirit. And being as such she can commune with the water spirits my ancestors held in high respect. Tying her not only to my clan but to a vein of knowledge I am too small to tap into. I need you I said. We need you.
At home I am building an area for my watcher spirit. I have never really paid my respects to an anglo altar. Except for my family altar, which includes the Norse and Germanic and Jewish.
Some say this is the foolish parts of spiritual independence. When you stop following a Priest and start thinking on your own. I find it most powerful when you let your heart guide you, and stop paying attention to the number of followers and go for what is right...despite the popularity.
Here in the end, I had a great night, and grown in my studies of my guardian and my soon to be husbands family ancestory. I am starting to understand the need of bridges. From one culture to another, to one blood line and another. When we take in the powerful love and respect of ones family and blend it with another. The sacred marriage of clans and tribes....its amazing of what changes afterwards. The Networking project.
I hadn't taken part in it for years. So stubborn to my own line. So ignorant to humanity as a species. I still saw race as a dividing aspect. And where I held this belief is unknown to me. But I needed to see it this time, and mend it. And there were a few folks I had to send love to. I felt I finally had the ability to do so. In return, I got a restful night, and I am sure good days to come.
Spirituality is an independent choice to a point, but there is always a drum beat that calls us all to dance.
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