[The Void]
mornings and evenings
2007-06-06
It was one of those inspiring days today. The weather was amazing and beautiful. I drove in to work with a golden sun and dark clouds to my back. Then went from warm weather to outright down pour in 20 minutes. I loved it. The beauty of it enchanted me. Rainbows everywhere. And a warm breeze when it rained, cool breeze when it was sunny. Just freakin perfect!
I saw two deer run across the street, most likely heading to the Oregon gardens. That place is pretty big and full of protected greenery. I love being able to see them, and soon, will be able to see them out my back door.
I saw an owl, and it stayed awhile in the wee morning hours. I was surprised to see it when the sun was up~ but figured it was one of those unexpected blessings to see such a beatiful animal. It made the day roll out so much better. I was training a new aide today. She is humorous, and witty. I know she will fit right in. A bit shy at first.....I didn't give up on her, I pulled her out of her quiet stance in under an hour. By breakfast break we were laughing out loud and telling jokes like we have been friends for a long time. But we are full. Our unit was full of lifting patients. And that takes a toll on your back by afternoon. By 1pm we had lifted over 22 times and made 12 beds, and walked six patients. No rest for the weary~ still had to seven pm. Sometimes I hate my 12 hour shifts....but I honestly don't believe in working more than three days a week anymore without overtime pay. I like to be home four days a week. May not be all together.....but frankly....I have a busy life at home. My kids, my hobbies and my hubby.
Not to mention my kitties. They are growing so damn fast. Now crawling often out of there little nook and coming to the sound of our voices. They are starting to eat kitten food from plates and I am working on potty training....for six kittens! Yikes!
Hubby is making a big cat house, once again. He so much loves to be busy with projects. This is a two story cat house with three tunnels and a scratching post covered in carpet. They are going to love it! But I admit, even with the projects he has spoiled me rotten. About now I eat my dinner and ready to bed down for a small leg and back rub. He cuddles with me and watches my favorite discovery documentaries, or maybe a sci fi flick we have seen a million times. Doesn't matter, he just deals with it and plays with my hair.
Its a normal work evening. I am tired, sometimes a bit overtired...and painful. But this weekend marks a four day off weekend for me! woot! I have it all planned as well......nothing....and I mean that. I really didn't plan to go anywhere. Stay at home, have a friend over for dinner. Some candle making with her and play with the kittens and kiddos. Study as usual....but if I accomplish nothing but caring for the kiddos and kittens....then I did my to do list. I love weekends like this and find myself making them more and more. Makes me all ready for hubby to come home from work and he gets a back rub and I get to practice my Reiki on him. I am getting ready to do it more on others. But noticed....I really have to be able to let my heart go out on a strong level. Wrap them in more than a simple "I care for you" type of way. I am also finding it.....relaxing and healing for me as well. I enjoy the sessions, and feel I am finally accomplishing something in my spiritual paths.
The other thing....I smoke less. I am not sure why exactly. Maybe I am finally finding where most of that addition/want/desire is for smoking? I have smoked since I was really young.....I do worry what the future has in store for me. And I am searching for the right support for letting this long term relationship die off. But I know if i force it I replace it with something else....like over sleeping, or over eating, or more television than usual. I also grind my teeth in my sleep even when I don't feel stressed or have bad dreams. My hair falls out more and my blood pressure soars. So with these I have been told its a 'blocked off' addiction. Meaning the connection I have allowed this bridge on through a weakness or dependency is outside of my normal thoughts....not abnormal. But usually treated with medication that 'makes you happy or tranquil' this worries me. I don't want to go this route....but I am starting to consider the cost.
The cost is, lung cancer. Throat cancer. Things that lead to not breathing well, getting sick more often and aging faster. Ok so the last one doesn't bother me but the others are starting to mean more to me. I seem to have developed a sense of fear toward them....which has changed from that....who gives a rats ass attiude I have had for a long time. I think I blocked it off to everyone dies...so live it up. But that isn't what I feel toward smoking anymore. And while analyzing my sugar intake and fats....I feel this nictoine friend I have just isn't worth the costs of a painful death like this. And I am not a stupid smoker....its not 'if' this happens....its merely when it happens. Anyone who thinks differently is fooling themselves.
But the hardest part....is theres no one to talk to. You are automatically below everyone that doesn't smoke. Its not viewed as an addiction, but a weakness that they assume you have all control over. Thats great if you do, but what if you haven't gained that yet? Then like most folks addicted to sweets, or soda pop....you go through moody spells and cravings. And your not allowed withdrawl attitudes, or to say you want a smoke. Your also expected to say your stupid cause you smoked. And I just don't really get it. But I suppose.....I think folks like this are mean, and too high on their horse to consider others views and opinions. Wants and desires are strong things, and some more than others. If your willing to try then I think its a start. I really....have never been willing to try as much as I have wanted to lately. And I think this is a good sign. My family is beautiful I would like to see them grow up. I want a few more decades of gardening, and jogging, hiking and swimming. Right now, I don't have lung damage. Right now, I still hold an oxygen sat. of 99 to 100%.....so it makes sense to quit now. I can still jog, I can still be active and I am active. Loosing weight and all. My hair even seems to be coming back shiny and thick. Been awhile since that has happened.
So bitch bitch bitch I suppose. But hey you blog to get your thoughts out. I just didn't want to bore one of my friends on the phone talking it out.....hmmm I feel better.....and actually will skip my dinner smoke. ;)
[ Back to top ]
Created with ShoutPost
