[The Void]
thinking of friendships
2007-06-13
When you find yourself blue....do you wonder why your feeling that way or just what to do to shake it? Are you self diagnosing? Are you quick to point a finger? Should people pay for thier misdeeds? What is payment? What is a grudge?
Well these are questions I recently started to bring my boy. And I continued to say, there is a rare breed of friends that really give more than their hearts can give. And its only possible because love is unmeasureable. It just is. And if you decide to be a fool and believe it, you are a beautifully strong person that will be much loved. And much dispised.
It was a hard conversation. I found myself giving examples, without names. And there are a few I wonder about...friends that is. I still call them that, but really I don't think the title fits from their perspective. One in particular, is lovey and charming. Been friends for a few years, and we forgave eachother but still never reconstructed that communication. I miss her, and her child. But the same foundation that was built was broken in a way I am still swallowing, yet learning to love at a distance. And figured, my absence was the best gift I can give. I am too judgemental to be her close friend. It started to seem like everything I had to say was a "you shouldn't do this, or this isn't a good idea." Or "you should know better than that, and you need to think about this" who the hell needs someone over your shoulder like that?
This friend stands out because I have not figured out how to love her in a way that is beneficial for both her and me. I can't figure it out. I can't mend it back to what it was, nor forget it. I can't seem to swallow the idea of disappearing....but everyday that goes by I look at the phone and remember....NOT to call. What would I say? Nothing I would be happy to hear being said to me.
The other side is, I feel justifide in my thoughtlines, so the act of taking control of this judgement has become too monsterous to tackle right now. And that bothers me. I am still feeling I am right to have been like this....and right to think this or that and continue to say it. But it falls on deaf ears. People won't hear you if they don't want to, nor will they listen to advice unasked for. I know this. It doesn't apply to 100% of folks.....but most of them. Myself included.
Thinking of myself...as I ramble here. There are code words you get to know when you talk with someone you love and respect. Four or five of my friends know, even in the most heated arguement, they call or look me in the eyes and say : Hear me, I love you and I need you to hear what I have to say. You know what....it works. I didn't ask for their advice. But I found the reason.
haha, Sedna found her thoughtlines and thinking! Woot! The thing is, when I call you friend, and I say I love you. I have already asked your opinions and advice without having to ask it. Meaning, I welcome your thoughtlines and your ideas, your counsel and your wisdom. I may need a few moments to digest it. I may even need a reminder, that you are saying it from your heart not your foot. But my friends....have weight. And, when their counsel is given I do try my very best to take it in the light that its because they care for me.
But I will be the first to admit, I meet the standards of a few folks, and below the standards of many folks on this attempt to get what you say taken in and digested with clarity and understanding. Come on, how am I suppose to get it all right the first time??? I found a quoute I love, if you do it right the first time no appreciates how hard it was. Haha, I love it! Its a funny qoute~ not a serious one. But so much like life though.life is a funny thing.
So, as I consider teaching this rough road of friendships to my boy. I started to wonder if I am wrong. Just for an instant....am I wrong to try hard? Then....try again? But looking through the memories I don't think I am. There are a few out there so damn fragil they need someone like you to be there...consistently. And maybe what bothers me most about this one friend that won't leave my mind is I feel I am not being unconditional in my love, and friendship. I am not fulfilling even what I say I believe in. I am finding it hard to follow through, no matter the countless times I have done it before. I know it has alot to do with the nature of our differences. She violated a sister law, never get with or try to get with a taken man. The other part is, I really love the woman she hurt in her pursuits. So I forgave as much as I could. And trying to move on. And finding....both of these woman are doing better without my presence or thoughts. Both of which do not seek my counsel, or my blogs. And they seem to both, be doing better this way. And so, I am trying a new route for me in my life.....admitting to my failure in loving and caring for this sister...and acknowledging my exit sign in these friendships. Its not easy. And I am sure, this wasn't suppose to be easy. When you love, there is no end to it. It just starts to change.
I am having to realize my failings are justifide to those that see them as failings. Regardless of what I think they are. And to ask anything else of them is too controlling for independent minds. And really, you can love them. But keep close those that do not require as much proof of your love to them. But those that can benefit from the brilliance of its light. Trying to point out the stars to someone who can't see them just gets frustrating to them and you. Does it matter whos right and wrong? If you love them enough, you don't want to see them pissed all the time right? So Sedna~ just move it along girl~ guess what, I am not perfect. And damn it, its arrogant to think I ever could be.
wow....lots of social thoughts today....I actually kinda hope no one had to read this far into my blog just to hear me bitch bitch and crunch crunch my emotional thoughts.
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