[The Void]
easier
2007-07-02
What would have made a difference? You ask yourself, but never actually fully answer. You think until you convince yourself that you have...then settle with the fact you are doing the best you can do...and that doesn't measure up to others expectations.
Meanwhile, in my life...things are actually looking fine. Went to the Zoo, did some work on my future home. Played with my kitties and had explosive sex. Seems to be alright right? But in the corner of my mind I still ask~ what now?
When you stop trying hard, like your used to. If your the one people have learned to turn to and expect to always be there...and your not 'as there' as you are known to be...you actually feel a bit free. In the moments when there is no emails, or posts to read. No phone calls to return and no one to answer to, you feel a bit lightened by the urgency of others requests. But you also feel the sting..that your just another person that faded out of their lives as well.
Sure folks will be there if you bug them to be. But after what a few months? a year? When is it they provide a few moments to be there for you? Just for shits and giggles? Just.... because?
Its a cruel part of reality that says you can do everything in your power to be the person you want to be and in the end fail everyone but those close by. The ones that know all your flaws but would never mumble them aloud.
Today, closing my group...I felt that sting. I was a faded out person that couldn't provide enough and didn't measure up to the expectations at hand. And whos around to say I thought you were cool anyhow? Ya...those are golden nuggets of which my life essence is being pledged.
I am a funny gal, laughs easy and will bend over ripping the shirt off my back if it will make your life a tad easier. I let them blame me, and scorn me. Without much of a reply. I don't want them to feel bad about it...but in the actions create a self pity I had never intended. So I am a bit cold toward some, a bit let down. But also...excited to see where my life will head.
I am content in the smiles I have recieved. In the warm words of support from a few that knew this was not easy on me. In fact, one of the hardest things I have done. Not just a viewpoint of what I could have done, or what I have done to others...but the view of I have feelings in this as well. That are not all mapped out. That are not all at peace.
I am a forgiving creature. And practicing that a bit more in the last few weeks.
And at the moment....forgiving myself for the disregard of assholes feelings.....its easy to be pissed off than to be loving.
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