[The Void]
perception
2007-07-02
Because there is still something~
That was my only response as I was asked why I keep trying. Because there is still something there. A push? A whisper? or...whimper?
There is still something inside me that says to give, to try again. Defeat is a perspective, and self pity is wasted on the wise. My friend said that before he died. I miss him, terribly. I tried to pray and talk with him, but of course it ended up as me talking to myself and staring out into the sky. He wouldn't be around waiting for an opportune moment....he would be out there making anything and everything happen. And that is what kind of people we were. And why we got along so damn well. He had the action, I had the passion, together we ruled our little world. And when it came crashing down he went quietly save a few little words. Keep trying, keep pushing. Your taking up the reigns for both of us now. And when I come back I am assuming you have it all under control...corrina always does. She handles it.
I have no idea when I adopted that sort of thoughtline. When it became a monster in my mind and my life. When I started to routinely nourish it with delimas and drama? I don't remember the change into that direction, nor the decision into this path that has seemed to grow around me. But it has. And of course, a good time to remember...I have to handle it. Because? Well...because I always do.
I was sipping wine and enjoying the nice relaxing evening after hard work at my future home. These five acres....wow...alot to handle after living a life in a small piece of land surrounded by concrete. I must have felt tipsy but it was my first drink but I started out in laughter.
This is a world I had never dreamed of! And I am worried about shit out of my freakin control? And I spent hours thinking of how I can change it, how I can't change it and how it should have been if I was in someone elses shoes...meanwhile counseling a friend on biting off more than she can chew and learning personal restiction on others delimas.....ya....nice real nice there girl.
Maybe I needed the session more than she did. But I love that qoute~ May I be an example of what not to do, serving as a warning to others of what might come. Along with: If God is watching, lets at least be interesting.
I feel loved. And that is a wonderful thing. I feel I am guided in the right spiritual direction. With support and physical reminders of that path. I feel I am being prepared for something great. And finally with enough courage to do so...without always waiting for anothers approval. I know I don't have it from most folks around me. And that weighed me down...and I think that is the root or seed of alot of my mental set backs. I needed them to say : You are a good person with wit and potential. I needed them to say hey you are someone cool and fun. I needed someone other than the one I sleep with to say you da bomb baby.
Why?
Maybe I am weak. Maybe its because i haven't fully learned that since of inner dependence. Maybe...like my mother just told me. Maybe I had to let someone help me so they can realize they are useful and talented in guidence? She is a marvelous woman. Like a lightbulb my head exploded. Let someone else help me....well I indeed didn't plan it that way....but the folks that have been helping have loved doing so. And in that have found something inside themselves they didn't believe in before. That is actually how I followed that bit of talent I have....in jumping in when there is a need. Problem? no sense of bias where and when I jumped. So lesson one, evaulate the situation.
Its strange how physical connections can make the mind cleared to deal with emotional upsets. Why do men push for sex when I am really wanting to talk it out? Well...as it happens....the sex really helped. Granted he was sleeping by the time I figured it out...poor man....he looked exhausted. But happy. Men are mysterious creatures for me. And....after all this time....I like them that way. Don't let me figure you all out right now. Don't let me assume all things...or guess your next move. Let me sit in awe of you, marvel at your uniquness...and if I forget to do this....prove it to me.
We have been trying to keep up the Full and New moon rituals with eachother. He isn't one to watch the calendar, so I have to be better about saying : this is how it is. But a part of me is uncomfortable doing so. But....if that is all it takes....I can do it. Us doing rituals together has brought us closer together for sometime now. In sharing our respect for spirituality I also developed a different outlook of his mind and emotions. He has awesome energy, that healing vitalizing energy I really need right now. And he is in need of someone to help snap him back into disciplined study.....ok...spiritual flash..
wasn't it not long ago I asked for the opportunity? And here presents someone who trusts me...respects me to show I have some talent in this? Not long ago, I asked for a spiritual system of which I could devote myself to and work to provide community among pagans of all paths....and then I was recieved into a beautiful budding one? I asked for a spiritual challenge to see what I am made of? And my mentor happens to be one of the hardest and Dean of Mentors? And of course I wanted ritual space just like my mother in laws....and this summer it will be mine? Strange when your always looking for whats wrong with whats right....that is the only thing you see? I have seen the bills, the nasty comments from folks...the putdowns trickle down the gossip line. And of course, I am keen on hearing them.
But what of the good? Even where I am in my education....there is soooo much more to learn. Thank the Goddess for patience...
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