[The Void]
sometimes
2007-07-05
I really don't understand alot of personalities I have emersed myself with. At times, it feels alien~ or rather~ something so unknown to me I cannot trace origins or guess at the roots of it. It is usually not a depressed or separated feeling like the word alien can mean, more like new or part of another herd in this wild animal family.
One in particular I cannot let go of. It glitters and shines to me like a challenge wanting to be solved. So far, in the past year I have maintained a rather standoffish approach to it. Allowing more hints to drop and devour them one by one.
Today, it was pretty frank, and I couldn't help but blush....I wish....there were other more devoted people in my life right now but at the same time this period I have been struggling through has proved so educational and challenging.....
I have often looked at myself in the mirror realizing not only are there other problems to fix but that there are new areas that have blossomed. Like pores opening for the first time. There are things I really like there, and I need to like them. The problem is they sit in an area of my brain that says : still trying for. And that is a trap. Stalls me from saying~ I have achieved something. And, like the rest of the world at times, there is someone ready with a fly swatter waiting for that pink bubble of yours to squash it. And, like another one of my problems...all I really want for them is to be happy. And if that distrubs my path...well I can take another go at it when they are settled. Why?
I think its a worthy trait. I just think it is misplaced. And the path I am treading on is so unique to me that of course I will discount something at the first hint of disapproval if I need to.
I talked to a friend the other day, someone I have not spoken to in a little bit. And of course theres a rumor chain along with it...and I was proud to just stand back and say : I am sorry this is affecting you. But I really can't get involved, and I really don't need to know what was said concerning me. There was a good deal of silence.
But I still stick to it. I want to know hell I will be honest. But inside I know I will grip onto it looking for that shred of truth that may lie within. And I will feel awful for having upset someone enough like this...to say these things. I had to just shoot it down. And it was hard. Who would think such a thing is hard? most of me wants to hear it so I can fix what needs fixing...the other part wants to hear it to know....just to know. But my heart wants to say fuck off. And please spend more time telling me things interesting about you...instead of about me?? Do you not have anything worthy to share?
I think a clear new goal for me....is to consider the source of things I have heard concerning me. Sure all the new folks that have popped up lately are wonderful. And I have already given that they are wonderful..until they prove otherwise. That is how my heart works. But others...that have shown me otherwise....maybe it is time to take that as a REASON. I am too small in character to even dedicate myself to a reason of why others can and will hurt me...Good lord what is wrong with that center of mybrain? I don't want to argue with you, cause I will hurt you. I don't want to go on like this cause it hurts me. I don't want to make you feel bad cause it hurts me...so suck it up and apologize, which is a hurtful thing to do cause it is unjust. In the end, you can't make most folks happy, they have to make themselves happy...and if they really have these issues with you....let them walk away and stop bugging them. Lay low. And contemplate the art of recieving.
My cards were read for me the other day. A strong message was to recieve. Open up to the idea...of recieving. And not causing all the time. My river is low, and this time I need to let a good amount of rain in instead of doing a rain dance to make it happen.
I had a hard time lifting my head afterwards. My pride was hurt. I had tried as hard as I could to figure out the best path to take in all this. Trying to be a good person, a good friend. And what did it amount to? I was doing the opposite of what I should do.
Then again...its just the cards right? Shit....I know better than that....
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