[The Void]
Weaknesses
2007-07-25
Do you have any idea how it feels to crave a scent that you have experiened a thousand times before? To have it pull at your very senses to bend back your mind and leap at the prawl of it again?
Addiction? Passion?
I am fighting right now between feelings of overburden and the opposite......... way too much time on my hands. With my panties in the knots they are I find it safe that my love is still there...to force me into his lap and give me a strong anchor to hold onto in the midsts of my hurricane upsets.
I finally admitted my current mental status to him aloud and precise....I am out of my element and out of power~ and I do not like that. I am feeling like I need sheltering and I hate myself when I feel like that. Its a weak side of me that I had to break years ago when I divorced. Now...its here...*then more intense jibberish I couldn't tell you what* now I am going right back to it like the worthless piece of ass I am!
Well...having never met my loving partner let me tell you a bit about him~ he has the deepest eyes you have ever seen~ more intense than perry masons and more kind than any grandfather you can think of. He has always had a way of saying things in a soft tone that does not defy the stubborness in me or challenge my authority in a situation. Yet...seems to get his point across with a fight and without hurting my feelings. Even if its as plain as~ your being a dramatic fool at the moment~ please give yourself some grace.
He pulls my hair out of my face and smiles~ would it be so wrong if you need me around like this? I have always been here, and think you will find your land legs once we are settled~
At this point I am feeling stupid for the dramatic tears and snot on my face. But gently he brushes them all away~ along with all the feelings of worthless that I am soo damn good at making myself believe.
I have a strong mate. I have always been pridefully proud of my family. The way they are growing up, the way we take care of eachother. And....how they deal with moms bs when she is out of her element!
With his normal smile he starts to name out all the different things we can do out there that we cannot do here. All the things we always wanted, yet never had the space for. All the things I am better at than he is, and most importantly~ that there is nothing out there that needs to be done that I have never done before just out of practice and feeling a bit fragil~ and for the moment he can fix that.
With his strong arms I buried myself for almost an hour. Just letting his breath fill my very soul. The sound of his heart was drums of the pow wows I knew and loved. Somewhere in him, in this moment...I found that precious and very complicated emotion for me~ release and surrender.
Just to let go and let him hold me. Just to breath. That is all I have to do, breath. Live. Believe in this and breath.
I stayed there in that muscular hold till I was almost asleep. These are the arms that helped me whenever I have needed it. Supported my back when I delivered his son. Held my hand when we learned my oldest has a seizure disorder. Let me pound his chest when I was angry with the world and held me against my own will to show me how much he is willing to take~ as long as I stay here~ in his arms. These are strong arms.
And...today...feeling a bit of a headache over my fits...I think there is a shred of light in what he means. Although...it will take a few hours to admit to that.
So...off to work...and breath. I believe I have given myself the right to be fragil for the next little bit. So if I haven't returned an email I deeply apologize. however if you have a hug for me you have all my ears and eyes!
Mary Mary Quite Contrary (2007-07-25)
Sounds like he gives you the best hugs you could ever want :)
Hope you have a great day! :)
[ Back to top ]
Created with ShoutPost
