[The Void]
forgiveness
2007-08-05
Ok, bitchfest.
I have known, and been working on a particular area in my life. That part of me that punishes and torments myself over deeds/doings that I have not set a forgivness for. Like making yourself say sorry knowing there will never be a sorry good enough to accept it so you keep on for eternity.
And it has served to wilt my heart and provide little growth inside. I looked for this atonement outside. In what I could do to help others, this makes me feel worthy and good again. Its an odd situation for me, in one breath I can say that is not me at all....in another I can perfectly fit it into my life cycles. A friend suggested a Master/servant relationship. Stating this brought out her need for forgiveness and the guidence to become a better person. However.....I have a strong pride....and stubborn mind. I don't see myself being a good servant, nor do I have a desire for it. Which is really important if I am understanding it correctly. Its not a forced thing, its an embrace of two consenting adults. My love is not a Master by any means, very much loving a woman that can make her own world and life without constant direction. Providing support, but likes me on my own feet most of the time. Sure we play~ who doesn't? Sexual play is quite different than real life slavery.
So in my ponderings, I pulled the Judgement card. Find relief in recognition of past deeds and embrace the chance to move forward was a loud and clear slap in the face. I can self torment as long as I want~ no one says I have a time limit. But is that all I want out of life? Well that is the question right now isn't it? I want so much more and the first step is to just stop asking for forgiveness and give myself some. When I contemplated that awhile, I found it soooo much easier to forgive quite a few other folks in my life as well.
I am sure it will take some time and a few attempts. .....a few reminders....but I feel better about it. When life doesn't make sense and your stagnant, turn it on its head and look again. I think ass backwards can be forward when dealing with past issues.
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