[The Void]
my own battles
2007-09-04
The Ace of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in initiation. I am a winner by virtue of my desire, belief, vision, and intention. I bring fresh inspiration into the world and am "master of my domain." My solution is found in creative transformation and I am empowered by my spark of life.
Today was an exciting day. My oldest sons first day of school~ who knew they had schools right across the street from sheep these days? I got an email from a new soul I got to meet. He liked my ideas on spirituality and universalist community. He was facinated by the conversation we had in just a small amount of time. He wanted a gathering. The G word....hmm I throw private gatherings now hun, but I am so tickled you think I could do it. I think you should it. It will be fun~ to this he quieted down. I was floored...after awhile he pinpointed things in me that I think I needed to hear. And even though I said NO was my final answer....they admittably sit with me right here today.
I question what I will do next. What will I take on as a challenge....I mean....not all folks are like others. When you have ambitious loving people its awesome...when you have sheep...well unless you want to lead them you get bored easily. So here I sit. Still I say no. I have my private gatherings, and feel a bit of solidness to my ego thank you hun~ I needed to hear that. The Goddess has called me before, and this time very clearly~ and I am following in the path that is meant for me. And that does not include this entertainment bullshit...I am not a clown nor do I have all the answers...and really....some people are just more headaches than they are blessings. I include myself in that statement.
When I finally stopped the conversation...I realized I sounded like a jack ass from hell. I looked back at those finely printed words on the screen, in utter dismay of what I read...was that really me? Goodness sakes! Sounds like shes scared.....what am I scared of?
Sounds like I was defensive....a bit arrogant, and being private. These are not me, and not what I showed him the night we talked. Not what the other folks we talked to as well. Some of them have known me for years. So trying to understand why I just chopped this guy up without a reason I called another friend. This being a man locally who has known me for four years and hubby for six years. He also agreed with the gatherings. Why? I said....you know I just bit off his head for the suggestion...and I don't know why. What the hell am I doing?
uncomfortable....I am uncomfortable with myself....and what I know I need to do. I am uncomfortable with someone else pointing out things I feel inside and have not decided to pull out and show the world hey come look at this!
I am ashamed of somethings in my life, like giving in too many times and allowing my rather good traits to be so worn down that I had nothing left in my well. I allowed it all to happen without regard to what I was suppose to be doing. Now that I am on the right track....can't we just pit stop and stay? I mean.....procrastinating has its good sides ey? I mean right? nudge nudge...he didn't agree.
Elvenbeads (2007-09-04)
I so know what you are going through. I wish you the best as you try to find the right path now. And I wanted to thank you for the lovely words on my own blog (what with msgs being down again). -Blessings
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