[The Void]
letting go
2007-09-14
Todays sun was greeted with my watching eyes. Tired eyes. In this short amount of time I feel I have changed incredibly to the point of even changing my own name. Letting go is something I have done before, on purpose...and made reasons and points for my brain to take it all in. Made movements within my heart to meet closure and contentment with it all.
I know enough it isn't a one sentence wonder. Not one night of change. Not even a week of thought. Its something that slowly seeps in, then you allow it to win. My brain picked through the what ifs. It bit through the possibilities. Then the act of release....and letting fate take hold. Then bargining...for a sign or a notion of what to do next...then asking directly for anything that resembles a hint. Finally, silence. My own thoughts prevailed and closed my throat.
For the last while I have told myself to breathe, eat my meals and do my chores. Work when I am scheduled and take care of the kids. Focus on these things, breathe, tonight sleep. Then morning rise. That is as far into the future as I could grasp. Morning I will rise.
Then after many mornings have past...I witnessed the revelation of it all. And I feel disconnected to the whole of the former issues. Like that person died, in some way or maybe just disappeared. The parts I have left were those of aspirations, and earned talent. Nothing really of a born with character. And that is the part that bothers me. When I look inside and see my special gift was just love, something feels incomplete. I am not in love with my life. My outside life. When I find peace inside, I do not see it on the outside, nor do I provoke it in others. This area needs mending. Guidence, and what more perfect teachers than the quiet wilderness?
I think my nature walks need doubling. And yard work chores as well.
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