[The Void]
afterthoughts
2007-09-24
Its a grand world, this place is. When your life seems to dump you off into a ditch you find the answer just a few paces away if you look.
The last few days have been hard for me. I do try overly hard sometimes to please my friends. They become family, and I love them. The more I find about them~ mind you the good and bad~ the closer I feel. Even in a abusive relationship I maintained this quality. However, had no idea how to use it. Sometimes, the best way to use it is to step back knowing you love them. And that to love the best is to let them be. Take the blame, and smile. Its all uphill for them. And that is quite ok. Because...you still love them. Like an unruly teenager. Except~ its time to let them go.
This time however it was a bit different than that example. And, when I couldn't see that I had to jump from the flaming ship I was pushed off. Thank you for that, and till this morning I had thought still I had made the wrong decision.
But all things take some different viewpoints to look at. All things, take time to make it through my heart. And thankfully, love overpowers all. And before I succumbed to anger entirely.....I wept. The love I feel for people in my life is strong. And as I watched the sun rise I knew this is the way I am built, but most importantly, it is the path I have chosen to maintain and just did another leap on maintaining it. I did not hold onto grudges. Not even a whole day. Just allowed the hurt to pass through, noticed, then mended. Nothing can destroy spirit.
I believe there is a huge amount of strength in forgiveness, and more character than can be imagined when it is given truely from the heart. I chewed over the details on my long drive to work. Watching the birds and deer for hints on my thoughts. They seemed quite interested in my little car. I felt urgency from all their eyes. Am I to grow cold? I see tons of folks do it. Am I to be afraid? Why? Wasn't afraid before.
My life has seemed to pan out like it was dreamed of. I have a beautiful piece of property that responds to me. I am meeting new folks with kind faces. And when I think about it, I have usually had that sort of life. Friendly faces. It unfortunetly was a lesson for me to learn not to long ago that I make myself feel lonely when there was no reason to feel that way. I had folks all around me that loved me. And I just didn't see it. When I started to, I felt I had grown just half an inch. And maintained that feeling still.
Why is it I can just be myself and meet kind folks? Maybe, this is who I am. I have all kinds of faults, some are just accepting of the challenge of helping me become a better person. Some....aren't afraid. Then again some are. And what do you do besides love WHO they are, and have faith in God.
Kat my dear, I love you. For all your faults, and for all the headaches. Inside there is a beautiful person that I will never get to know. And I am ok with that. Grudges, no. A few tears, yes. But I can live with that. And I know in my heart, you will live a better life without me. And I will have to become ok with that. But hey, we all have our own 'to do list'.
May Deity forever shine and speak to me, as the wind has blown your arms across me. And when the woods whisper their souls may you find the beauty and solace within the cycle of nature. When we find our nook in this place, everything makes a bit more sense. In time, even when we think we failed, we passed yet another test depending on how you deal with it. I send kisses, amazingly enough...that is what I am recieving as well. Maybe....just maybe there is something in that cycle.
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