[The Void]
relationships
2007-04-16
I have come to the decision that really...I have to have faith in my own trustings, decisions and feelings. Of course sounds silly and normal...but when your young and emotionally all over at times...this becomes a challenge all in its self.
Why should I shoot him down when hes done nothing wrong? As much as I hate being considered just one of those vaginas out there to be had I see it in him where he doesn't like that label as any dick for the taking either.
I had to go back to basics. I set forth a pretty good jumping game when we got together. I was not with anyone, trying to discover my personal strengths when we met. So I figured, being alone wasn't a problem. So if he doesn't pass my heart layer then its not a big deal.
But he did. He still does. And this fear that I have of loosing his interests is real yes...it is human..it is indeed something that I should have embraced as an opportunity to express my love for him. Being independent has never actually meant being alone. Nor did it mean to feel like I don't love someone. I pay the bills, I work my ass off. I have my own studies. I have my own hobbies. And I make time for him. Because...drumroll please.....he is special.
Out of the crowd and sterotype of men, he was different. Sure everyones different and special. But his specialness was designed for me. And together we created something wonderful. That if I don't fret too much over it will remain wonderful and loving and passionate. So he looks at woman, I used to not worry~ why? cause looking was admiring, and admiring is not touching. Maybe it adds to the flavor of his likes...maybe not? But if he keeps coming home on choice, then I should be happy.
If however he was willing to do anything to get into bed with me, or keep me I would be worried. But there isn't anything saying that. I can make stuff up, and give it fear. But it only serves for me to punish him for things he did not do.
So back to basics~ he was chosen special. And really, done nothing to loose that category. But all kinds of things to retain it.
I am sure, eventually I will explore the relams of sexual appetite we discussed. A second woman in our bedroom sounds actually rather wonderful. And I am glad he is open to the idea. He wants another man to help pleasure me. Wow...now thats lucky I think. However, very much happy he is willing to put it off cause I am uncomfortable. And still have inner wounds that need mending before I can trust, I am still his number one, no matter how many people he should encounter.
If we are together and made something very special. Then it is not threatened by someone or something else. If we add to it, then its a specialness of its own. Now that I am still working on. And I feel inspired once again, I have the right to veto it out. And he is ok with that. Its just a curiosity, not a must have. Its just something to think about, not a needed item or adventure.
Now, I only feel rather bad for throwing him back in the mix of all men do this, or all men think that...if I really thought that about men in general I would never be willing to marry one. I am a bi sexual creature, and for surely can find a female if i would rather. But I think...part of mending this hurt over these problems is recognizing there is a male generalization as much as there is a woman generalization of this sort...and I hate being thrown into a category of 'just another female' ....maybe I shouldn't throw him into 'just another man'.
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