[The Void]
sister?
2007-04-19
Its late, and I still think of you. Still angery...still hurt. Still unsure of where to proceed. My sister? In what respects? My friend....no...my best friend..you were at least I thought. When I factor it in I shouldn't have been surprised. When I rechew all the thoughts, I should have already seen it as a possibility. But I gave you the benefit...the light half, the top most thoughts and expectations. I expected flirty..I expected grace...So hard now in this position to expect those anymore.
I want to be the forgiving soul I have prided myself on. I may chew on my own nerves, punch at my own faults, and burn my own flesh to figure out my own shadows and demons but from a soul that I love....melted me into acceptance of regained purity for you. I fight with that now. To forgive right now...means the end to this feeling. And I am not ready for that.
For now I turn to my own life, and own revelations. So much can be felt with our hands that ignites the heart.
My love, my partner...with so much talk and indepth conversations I found myself no longer wanting to speak but to feel. To touch, to mingle, lick and glide over you with passion beyond any fairy tale. To explore all those parts neglected while we talk...what muscles are sore after the days work. I have never really admitted that I watch you do those daily chores....chopping wood...working on the car or even just fixing the sink. All the while not thinking of my love for you...but my utter want and desire. To feel that roughness against me, to not have to wait...just tackle you right now and all afternoon....
then the bus honks, kiddos home from school back to the studies I pretended to read....and look like I had actually accomplished something. Back to other thoughts that just don't hold that tactile enchantment you can give so easily....while yes the sterotype says men are rough and clumsy...and women want someone expertly detailed while attending our bodies....I find I am at totally opposite. Your hands are made for working, I see that...I feel it. Strong and rather callous from all the things you do ....for me. In that, and the way you smile when your proud of yourself...sends me into primitive hormone overload....just thinking of that chance to pounce and have crazy monkey sex from the table to the floor.
I smile to myself....while strong and mechanically smart....dedicated worker and so gifted spiritually....you have no idea what I am thinking. I bite my lips, steal one last glance when you ask what I am up to....up to? ummm well honestly was up to you supporting my thighs, I hold onto your hero shoulders while bouncing my hips against you, as we steal a heated moment against a wall ....but I stumble out instead~ just thinking and..sorting my thoughts is all. You look puzzled, then wave it off~ quick caress like you always do.
You wonder where the thought comes from when I do tackle you or pin you for a loving moment. When I finally make sure the kids are asleep and I am all over you. You ask where it came from? Was it a movie I just watched or something online? I wish I could form the words to say it...to say its in every movement you make..but I make better use of my mouth as it will just stumble out words that don't make sense anyhow and why explain? I am sure I can find more things to do with the time...
When will this rise and overload of hormones slow down? When does this steamy passionate side of relationship cool? Been eight years...still climbing the hill, still reaching higher for that next moment, that subtle glance or exploring hand. I still watch you sleep, I still listen to your heart late at night. I still smell your shirts when your at work...still ache to have you near every single day. In truth....I don't think we will let it. Even pregnant you found the strength to carry my swollen body to the next room and wake me gently with your passion. So often I would fall asleep in front of the tele and wake next to you whispering you love me and kissing me all over.
One day...we will finally be married. Will this change? We have a house, kids, jobs and a very active spiritual life....will it really make a difference? Enough thoughts....enough writing. Enough worrying. I love you...I am sorry I find it so hard to say these things aloud.
SAVIOR (2007-04-19)
Wow... Very deep - if I was part of your audience, I would have stood up and to au plause.
[ Back to top ]
Created with ShoutPost
