[The Void]
A rich life
2007-05-02
Beltane blessings!
Its been quite the winter, and I can't explain the excitement on the final shrug off of the dormancy! Things have unraveled in quite the display...and I am finding more and more of myself along the way. Its amazing...when we pray for the truth and light of it all. When we finally settle down and say...help me I can't see at all. Things pop out that normally never did. And you feel so much deeper, and sense things with a confidence that I never thought a person was allowed to feel. I called myself arrogant the other day...but honestly. I think I just took some time to be proud of me. I have many the critics in my life. I have tons...literally 90 percent or more of the folks in my life can be my critics if I ask or not.....why the hell do I have to support it all the time?
Take faith in that I know my faults. For a little freakin minute. Take a moment to realize...I do look in the mirror. Quite often actually. I do know inside alot of things about myself. And when they are pointed out, it shows me what your really seeking. What is put forth is brightened up and said, even with the words chosen....words can be misleading. I took a dose of that this spring. And put alot of faith in a few steps forward, and looked around at the company still around. Its amazing what the difference is.
As for home, we did a beautiful Beltane ritual together. Its amazing what hubby can do when he settles down to study. I am proud he took on the study courses. And that I can share this part of life with him. We are so close in many other ways. We are alot alike as well. When you mix that with spirituality...man...the rest of my life can be falling apart but I do not regret the choice I made in this man.
The bills will be hard, for awhile. The kids will give us headaches, for awhile. And things won't be handed out to us, they never really have before so I suppose our expectations are already prepared. But that hasn't seemed to matter as much and my father knew why. You can be poor and happy. You can be so happy you forget your poor. Then there comes a time when others say you settled....and you smile lightly and say....I see where your coming from....but no actually I am happy. Whats your problem?
My father told me that years ago. And I can't believe I remember it still. I think because, my father like his father....knew alot about love and life, spirituality and inner happiness. My grandfather was on the reservations for quite sometime. Before heading off alone while still a minor to create something more for his life. While a drunk, he managed to make something of himself, and keep his beautiful wife happy. By the time I was born, I never saw him drink. And didn't know of his past till he was dead. So my memories, are full of laughter. They are full of this wonderful man, that talked of ravens and crows. Of dancing and mountains. Of working with wood and playing pool. He walked on crutches, and spoke quietly. His hair remained naturally solid black even the day he died...in his 80's. My mother lived in a small village till highschool age then was sent to boarding school thousands of miles away. From her side I have another family line that is rich in stories and smiles as well. Sometimes I am amazed at my heritage. Just two generations ago we had education levels of 3rd and 4th grades max. But the wealth of love is precious. And that saw me through the years all this time.
I marvel at what I accomplished sometimes, then turn around and criticize what I could have done by now. I am sure its quite human to do so. But the extremes are starting to get to me. And find I need to find more of a balance...something to hold onto like I did as a child. My parents and grandparents gave that too me I just forgot. I am rich in love and heritage. And had a loving and spiritual family line. Money was something that was acquired for basics, but life....a good life....money meant nothing to attain that. I forget that often. More often than I should. I have had hard bouts in my young life, working hard with yucky memories of it. To get on my feet and take care of the kids. But at least I am thankful, I knew when to stop and remember to live....before it got too late. I didn't want to miss my 20's , and I for sure don't want to miss my 30's. I heard the hormone changes are wonderful...haha.
I am trying to put forth my thankfulness this time of year. What I am greatful for, and what I have to be proud of. Its hard sometimes, and other times comes off like an arrogant ass. But its good for me...to do both. Learn the difference of perspective. I am proud of my kids. Of my family. That I haven't missed their growing up. That I haven't wasted my life for a job, or continued on in a college class that I would have hated. I am glad I am not all about money, that I can see the more beautiful things out side of it. Although, I am glad I am at least a tad uncomfortable to try ever onward...at a pace that I can still stop and smell the roses. I don't think I stop often enough to realize, I haven't failed my family. But kept that precious treasure of love, warmth, spirituality, tradition alive....and those are things money can't buy. Give it a few days...I am sure I will come down hard on myself for a bit. But I can re read this and come back to the remembrance, I have a very rich life.
Sedna (2007-05-05)
Oh hun,I hope one day soon your hubby will also support you. We get what we fight for, and if your in love then hun then I am sure you are in a supportive relationship~ the two walk hand in hand.
Elvenbeads (2007-05-03)
Glad that you both had a happy Beltaine this year. I'm jealous, a bit, that your husband supports you so freely. But then again mine was happy enough to find me a lighter and to walk outside and ask our nosey neighbor to leave me alone. So, I guess, we get what we can. ~Blessed Be
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