[The Void]
well small thoughts
2007-05-07
Here and there again It comes. That thought, that idea that there is more to this than what meets the eye. You. You in your very skin worries me at times. And I question the air around me, the walls of reality. Is it real? Is it an It?
This sort of anxiety has never been disabling, but something that has harbored inside of my heart for several years. Comes out of nowhere and resides in my thoughts. There was a time when the pretty little pills used to help cut out these thoughts. I more think it was not caring about an answer than finding one~ I look down now and see some sleeping meds. Pretty yellows, smallish....and I am having to rethink the reasons of why I take them.
I want to sleep sometimes. I really do. But on the other hand....there are somethings that only come in the depths of the night and I must think them through. I get told I am a well person. Some think I am so close to normal that I can't possibily have anything to complain about....and for the Gods....I have no fuckin idea what that means. I am not chemically unbalanced. I am not ill. I am generally healthy but I think I have too much of a curious mind that gets away from me sometimes. And quite the bit of 'to dos' on my plate.
So after years of being pill free....I asked the doc for something to help me chill. The pills make me drowsy at first, then almost impossible to do much after a few hours. But there is still something in me that detests looking at my backpack and seeing a medication bottle. Why alter what does not hurt me? Is it hurting me? If I didn't have a family responsibility I think I wouldn't have asked for them. But after going through 48 hour awake cycles I felt I wasn't fulfilling my first duty....mom. But I still find myself re explaining on why I do what I did...why I take these pretty yellows. So somewhere....I am uncomfortable. Somewhere...I am worried I depend on the drugs.
Small worry...for some. But for a person that detests medication and flimsy excuses for not being well its terrible. Damn it I work to be healthy, and I am young. Why take pills? I find...I am starting to like them. I think I will return them this week. I am addicted to caffiene, nicotine...god knows whatelse I can get addicted to. See...the damn anxiety of worry....hmmm
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