[The Void]
growing up?
2007-04-30
Its hard to look at life in years for me. Where am I on my life passages? I am almost 30. What does that mean? Does that mean I should be grown up and know where I am suppose to be going? Should I already have that figured out and should I already be there?
I think there are alot of folks who do have it figured out. I have to say honestly....I don't think I ever will. Like my emotions I change from one focus to the next. Each with a new idea and new inspiration. Yes I am focusing on college...and completing my clergy teachings. But that isn't my 'when I grow up' idea. I seem to think of myself as ever young still. And I wonder if this thoughtline will be my downfall when I realize....my life expectancy is merely 40 more years. wow.
2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
confidence
2007-04-29
Shadows of what used to be no longer in view, one step further is a leap into a whole lot of trust.
What you seem to think is natural attraction is a deep lustful hunger unleashed from within. A touch...a kiss...a caress sends my mind thinking of the possibilities.
The more we talk, the more we play...I begin to see more of what you are made of and want to be one with you. I never had this feeling so intimately with your kind. The Men. Males. Gods.
I assumed our spiritual approaches were just that, approaches...with nothing really going to fill in the foundations for us. I tried however...and kept trying for the last few years. Some think to become spiritual is to do without the lustful passion....unless your pagan...in that case the sex is unreal and animalistic unleashed passion performances at each meeting.
I have solidified my belief that a woman who is a goddess in her own right, and can harness that power needs a man who can do the same with the god. The two are not threatened of eachother and together make a magical power that can explode the senses. Letting go of the bounderies, the limitations, the hold backs and the doubts. Strip and stand proud in the light, watch him fill with lust in his eyes and while carrying his serious face he wants you so badly nothing can take his eyes off you. That is the relationship I sought after, and at last beginning to understand the ingredients to make it happen.
Who knew my confidence was a key? And who knew spirituality was another important key? All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals she says...
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
sleepy
2007-04-25
Its been crazy sleepy...when you know you have slept enough but can't shake the heavy yawns and awkward body movement. I really haven't done much...surprized I got myself into a shower...haha
But I recount the weekend, and take into my brain all that was presented. What rings back is Ethics. This was indeed a helpful class. I can see it in me, in others, and at the world at large why it was so needed to be presented.
Sometimes I sit and play with all the faces in my memory bank. Making sure I recall their names to the best of my ability...will these people stay as fresh in my mind as the days turn to weeks? Will this contact stay?
There was a piece of the spiritual life I had seen for myself missing. That coming together, that bond of a group of people that also looked out for the others of the community. For a long time I was unsure if this was my opportunity...but over the last while it has been shown it is indeed a step forward into wonderful things.
Where will it go? While still an infant in the world the possibilities are endless. There are no limitations on my growth just time will tell what I am feeling up to accomplishing. I feel good. Just tired. And missing the happy faces and whole days focused on spirituality and inner growth. Hard to go back to just moments of my day focused on these things...but then again...have I ever really set my spirituality aside that way? Maybe that is why it means so much to me.
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
new paths
2007-04-23
Wow! About all I can say right now after a very very long weekend. ...
Well I should also say I have had a profound experience, and gained a whole new perspective on things about myself as well. There are so many doorways in life, who knew that you don't always walk into them with utmost confidence? Some are walked through with a sense wonder, even fear. You embrace these as reasons to enter. Some doorways are only entered by the support of others...and its by their hands and their eyes you are relying on. You trust their heart, not seeing their face. You trust their guidence, not knowing the direction. Its an odd position to be in. One I particularly found uncomfortable, and brought about a fear in me that can shout out then thousand storms.
To quiet that part of yourself that says fear, that says to run, that says do not trust until prove is given really has limited application. I don't think I really understood this thought. It is really very true.
Who knew that strangers can be so loving? That hugs are in endless supply? That you can make difference in many peoples lives with few hours?
I meant and dined with the Head of the Greyschool, and a quite a few other remarkable personalities. I felt my mind just expand and grow from the inside. My very aura opened up to something I could not fully understand till I looked down and realized...I am wearing Clergy robes.
2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
sister?
2007-04-19
Its late, and I still think of you. Still angery...still hurt. Still unsure of where to proceed. My sister? In what respects? My friend....no...my best friend..you were at least I thought. When I factor it in I shouldn't have been surprised. When I rechew all the thoughts, I should have already seen it as a possibility. But I gave you the benefit...the light half, the top most thoughts and expectations. I expected flirty..I expected grace...So hard now in this position to expect those anymore.
I want to be the forgiving soul I have prided myself on. I may chew on my own nerves, punch at my own faults, and burn my own flesh to figure out my own shadows and demons but from a soul that I love....melted me into acceptance of regained purity for you. I fight with that now. To forgive right now...means the end to this feeling. And I am not ready for that.
For now I turn to my own life, and own revelations. So much can be felt with our hands that ignites the heart.
My love, my partner...with so much talk and indepth conversations I found myself no longer wanting to speak but to feel. To touch, to mingle, lick and glide over you with passion beyond any fairy tale. To explore all those parts neglected while we talk...what muscles are sore after the days work. I have never really admitted that I watch you do those daily chores....chopping wood...working on the car or even just fixing the sink. All the while not thinking of my love for you...but my utter want and desire. To feel that roughness against me, to not have to wait...just tackle you right now and all afternoon....
then the bus honks, kiddos home from school back to the studies I pretended to read....and look like I had actually accomplished something. Back to other thoughts that just don't hold that tactile enchantment you can give so easily....while yes the sterotype says men are rough and clumsy...and women want someone expertly detailed while attending our bodies....I find I am at totally opposite. Your hands are made for working, I see that...I feel it. Strong and rather callous from all the things you do ....for me. In that, and the way you smile when your proud of yourself...sends me into primitive hormone overload....just thinking of that chance to pounce and have crazy monkey sex from the table to the floor.
I smile to myself....while strong and mechanically smart....dedicated worker and so gifted spiritually....you have no idea what I am thinking. I bite my lips, steal one last glance when you ask what I am up to....up to? ummm well honestly was up to you supporting my thighs, I hold onto your hero shoulders while bouncing my hips against you, as we steal a heated moment against a wall ....but I stumble out instead~ just thinking and..sorting my thoughts is all. You look puzzled, then wave it off~ quick caress like you always do.
You wonder where the thought comes from when I do tackle you or pin you for a loving moment. When I finally make sure the kids are asleep and I am all over you. You ask where it came from? Was it a movie I just watched or something online? I wish I could form the words to say it...to say its in every movement you make..but I make better use of my mouth as it will just stumble out words that don't make sense anyhow and why explain? I am sure I can find more things to do with the time...
When will this rise and overload of hormones slow down? When does this steamy passionate side of relationship cool? Been eight years...still climbing the hill, still reaching higher for that next moment, that subtle glance or exploring hand. I still watch you sleep, I still listen to your heart late at night. I still smell your shirts when your at work...still ache to have you near every single day. In truth....I don't think we will let it. Even pregnant you found the strength to carry my swollen body to the next room and wake me gently with your passion. So often I would fall asleep in front of the tele and wake next to you whispering you love me and kissing me all over.
One day...we will finally be married. Will this change? We have a house, kids, jobs and a very active spiritual life....will it really make a difference? Enough thoughts....enough writing. Enough worrying. I love you...I am sorry I find it so hard to say these things aloud.
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
turning the tide
2007-04-18
Thunder rain, darkend streets...I turn to see the last of the sun rays.
I ask once more, but know I shouldn't...why must I say to good bye to these things?
Good bye to so much of my comfortable places, to old habits I used to get me through. To friendships while uncomfortable...provided enough clutter I didn't have to face the truth.
I turn around to see the clouds, where darkness is gaining strength. My path is so unknown to me, only felt...like a blind man I reach out. Knowing right now my eyes will fail me.
To look with them I will see what is false, or only shallow images of what I desire. To use them I can fool myself, and discard a path that seems to unapproachable...but to walk with no expectations...that is an art in itself.
I find myself short on the wisdom to know this route...but in admitting it I find the key to unlock that virtue. I hear it on the breeze, on the banks of the river near , just let go. Let go. Release and just be.
To take a fresh breath seems more precious than gold right now. I can't believe how long its been. To be me, in this place, in this body, in this moment...just to be...seems a goal so unreal. But its here, its really here! Just stretch out your hands, trust the path. You don't always need something to grasp while letting go.
I have done this once in my life, and I am asked again. Reach out, let go...breathe...just believe. I understand the emotional turmoil that has spewed on me in the last few weeks. I see the purging and the challenge to see if I can remain in my path, feet on the ground and face upheld toward the sky. Can you do it? I know you can...but this for me....seems like a new beginning. Just don't coward out...and back down.
Don't stand back when you should step forward, don't bail when you should hold strong. Don't turn away when you should look forward...don't be caught up in the what ifs or the validations. Take back the right to BE. The shining light that is for all kind, yet given nasty names when embraced. So they think your arrogant, or blind....well...sometimes the freedom to think is quite alright. Just don't forget to think for yourself~ and uphold what you sought so hard for.
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
tangled
2007-04-17
The the shattered pieces floating, you step so carefully on the platform. Here dwells fear, anger and open eyes ready to eat whoever disturbs me.
You step so cauiously at first, then like a tidal wave wash over me. My senses overwhelmed. So much unknowing, I bite, I scream. I shower tears from my eyes that dispise you for what you can be.
In the tangle of arms and legs you are there. Always pushing farther. Beyond the emotions, beyond the worries and fears. Pushing, like an animal all over me.
Some say anger sex is a bad thing. Some say that when a woman is so emotional to stay back....theres a very difficult road to take that is more healing than that however...just which man can tred it so carefully?
Wherever I pushed back he pushed forward, wherever I opened my mouth to protest he swarmed in with a kiss, nibble and whispered I love you. When I cried he wiped them away, never tiring of them all and let them run till I had none left.
Sometimes I may wonder if the right decision was to settle down, but it doesn't take much to remind me...it was the best decision I have ever made. When shes a tornado, be the wind. When shes a tsunami, be the water. Its what powerful couples have always kept secret, and what passion ignites even the most coldest hour.
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
relationships
2007-04-16
I have come to the decision that really...I have to have faith in my own trustings, decisions and feelings. Of course sounds silly and normal...but when your young and emotionally all over at times...this becomes a challenge all in its self.
Why should I shoot him down when hes done nothing wrong? As much as I hate being considered just one of those vaginas out there to be had I see it in him where he doesn't like that label as any dick for the taking either.
I had to go back to basics. I set forth a pretty good jumping game when we got together. I was not with anyone, trying to discover my personal strengths when we met. So I figured, being alone wasn't a problem. So if he doesn't pass my heart layer then its not a big deal.
But he did. He still does. And this fear that I have of loosing his interests is real yes...it is human..it is indeed something that I should have embraced as an opportunity to express my love for him. Being independent has never actually meant being alone. Nor did it mean to feel like I don't love someone. I pay the bills, I work my ass off. I have my own studies. I have my own hobbies. And I make time for him. Because...drumroll please.....he is special.
Out of the crowd and sterotype of men, he was different. Sure everyones different and special. But his specialness was designed for me. And together we created something wonderful. That if I don't fret too much over it will remain wonderful and loving and passionate. So he looks at woman, I used to not worry~ why? cause looking was admiring, and admiring is not touching. Maybe it adds to the flavor of his likes...maybe not? But if he keeps coming home on choice, then I should be happy.
If however he was willing to do anything to get into bed with me, or keep me I would be worried. But there isn't anything saying that. I can make stuff up, and give it fear. But it only serves for me to punish him for things he did not do.
So back to basics~ he was chosen special. And really, done nothing to loose that category. But all kinds of things to retain it.
I am sure, eventually I will explore the relams of sexual appetite we discussed. A second woman in our bedroom sounds actually rather wonderful. And I am glad he is open to the idea. He wants another man to help pleasure me. Wow...now thats lucky I think. However, very much happy he is willing to put it off cause I am uncomfortable. And still have inner wounds that need mending before I can trust, I am still his number one, no matter how many people he should encounter.
If we are together and made something very special. Then it is not threatened by someone or something else. If we add to it, then its a specialness of its own. Now that I am still working on. And I feel inspired once again, I have the right to veto it out. And he is ok with that. Its just a curiosity, not a must have. Its just something to think about, not a needed item or adventure.
Now, I only feel rather bad for throwing him back in the mix of all men do this, or all men think that...if I really thought that about men in general I would never be willing to marry one. I am a bi sexual creature, and for surely can find a female if i would rather. But I think...part of mending this hurt over these problems is recognizing there is a male generalization as much as there is a woman generalization of this sort...and I hate being thrown into a category of 'just another female' ....maybe I shouldn't throw him into 'just another man'.
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
firguring out the tsunmai
2007-04-15
figuring out the tsunami
The more I think about it the more I get back my own ideas. I have never been one looking for an owner...a master of sorts...never me. I was quite content to roam the high grounds looking for something interesting. And seeing how much I can take. How many risks are out there, how many journies I could travel before I die.
So what has changed? Sure I am a mommy. I have divorced. I have fell in love again. When I divorced I was a bit jaded. I hated the idea of romantic relationships. Casual sex was more attainable and less worry. I was still free.
Then I fell in love. Love. Its magical and undeniable. When did it change from my wants to his? When was it "well I like this so i am doing it" to "wonder what he likes?".
Does he really like that in a woman? Well thats all I was in the beginning. Single parent...ruled my world and really didn't make room for another to rule with me. In thinking. It was a simpler time for him too. My emotions were my own, and he need not worry about them. I came around when I was happy and anxious to see him. Stayed away and did my own hobbies when I wasn't. Even after we moved in together. I had my own set of life ideas. He was a pretty factor into it...and I did try to take his needs into account. But mostly...those needs were in the bedroom and once in awhile meeting his folks. So I had little to worry about as well.
8 years later we maintained a passionate love affair with eachother. Refusing to settle in for a boring relationship. But I noticed my thoughts have changed....was it fear? Fear that one day my being alone will not hold his eye? Sure I am pissed I can't run up the mountains I used to. I can't hike and climb like I used to. I feel unhealthy so I do try and regain that. But I think his approval rests somewhere in my soul where I am not comfortable handing over that power.
Its hard to talk about it. With him or anyone else really. Hes a good man. Always has been. I wanted someone strong, and more quiet than me. I wanted someone stoic. And the same get it done personality. Then I had nothing to worry about. He came on free will then, not out of obligation. I could stay grounded in my own path, and he was coming along the same direction but because of his own will.
Now are we flying in different directions? Am I hitting that ever talked about 30 wonder? Wonder if the looks are holding, if the body is used out? Wonder if really inside there is not enough good things to shine out? Girls fight with girls out there, and how much I want to believe I am not part of that competition I am. When I see them talk to him and ask where he is going. Of course, same answer~ my wife at home. Am I really to take solace in that? When the hell did that happen?
I don't need a dominant male in my life. Actually it crumbles my spirit. I feel ugly, and used. Only flesh worthy. I wonder if that is what happened. I handed over power because the stress was too much. So much easier to please someone else than to achieve my own desires. To make my bar. To suceed in my own triumphs. So much easier to ask what you want, then to see what I can do to surprise you. I think he stepped up when this happened. Well...I always voiced what I wanted, and he was stepping up for that. But is that to stay?
I don't think so. I think the me being happy requires regaining that self idea. Him being happy involves me...but me being me instead of the pleasuring person I have become.
When is it in relationships you muddy the water with enslavement? Its so subtle sometimes. So easy to slip into those roles. Its obvious. I worry about him, his happiness. Instead of keeping like I had in the beginning. He is quite capable of attaining his happiness, when not he will ask.
I muddied the water in believing there was more than what was on the surface of his stress. When there was more meaning when he looked at those girls. Sure to look is human, I used to be ok with that. Still am, but I use a supporting thought that he always comes home. Maybe the stress what having to decide for both of us, what it meant to be happy. And the nit picking of the surface like this...to find what it really means.
Most likely...most likely something else. But I am not getting anywhere hating my own standings on it. The more I rely on my weaknesses, I am sure they pull from the image I desire. My old happy self. With a strong partner at my side. Someone uncontrolable. Someone stoic and strong. I have never had power over him. It was a special moment for us to come together, because I could not make him. He had to choose.
So what I am doing nit picking at the crust? Well...I think I need a whole process to think about things. To find the answer. And to archieve it for the next swing of emotions that will make their waves in my life.
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Morning routine
2007-04-15
The soreness gives the false comfort that things are working out. If I try harder just a little bit harder....then it will come together now.
Every morning cup of posion, followed by routine excercise. Shower mirror reveals the truth...not close to that dream..so far behind.
What do I do about it? Who is there to talk to? Just shallow worries and on deaf ears...Do they look through my eyes? Just mine? To see what lies in there?
The weekly magizines point out what is currently to the likes...of most folks...not just men but what most consider beautiful and worthwhile. Then shopping malls display works of art...so small...do they have that in my size? Should they? Never mind it, back to walking...jogging...sit ups and normalize.
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
broken trust
2007-04-14
I still can't believe it really...although I kick myself in remembering you are like this. I trusted you, loved you and always forgave you...for anything. I am hurt by your choices...and I am pissed in the knowledge it doesn't matter to you.
So it wasn't my lover you mingled with or secretly entertained, it really doesn't matter. Shows me your respect toward others, shows me your limits and what you say you learn. You didn't learn....you hurt. What is a passionate loving gift of Deity to humans you make a filthy mess. Torn with lies and false intentions. I called you sister, I trusted you above all else. I find I can't take a solid breath in around you. There is no vessel that I can pour my trust and compassioin into, it was shattered with your bullshit and disregard.
Damn it...I don't like feeling like this. But...why I created yet another blog for these thoughts. You should just close your eyes to the sunrise, in a attempt to feel the dark hole you caused on that woman. And sit on egg shells to feel the discomfort and ripped apart trust that was placed with fucked up results.
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
you
2007-04-07
All the uncharted territory, and all the fallen hills. I can't imagin what it would be like to climb that waterfall and drink in of that heavenly sight...
My eyes are not made for this beauty, what I see is full of grace. What is your meaning? Your intention? Not of fleshy judgement or the tactile experience...
So what am I to do? Just sit in your warm arms. I know my place is here. But can you deny me because I lack this spot of passion?
In my rivers the water crashes with lust. It is there I feel it and breathe it....only with you. I am hungry for your love, your attention that I am so used of recieving..like air I breathe it in with a heavy dependence on its life.
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Created with ShoutPost
