[The Void]
love and honesty
2007-08-06
At times in my life I am reminded of what power the love of a woman can do to someone. If that love is returned. It shines power, brillance, strength, courage and the eternal art of forgiveness.
In my relationship I have seen the most spiritual forms of forgiveness. What was in all other places unforgivable, is mended. What would cause wars of bloodshed, is exhaled and released.
What is left but to be truely honest? To always say every word to you my love with certainity and without deception. To let go of harboring emotions, to let go of facades and trickery. Tearing down the walls of what looks appealing or the temptation to say what sounds good or right. To be free to say that which is ultimate truth.
And you, my mate...to show me how forgiveness should be in a blissful union that we do have. Unasked for, yet handed over, moment of true love.
My will has never been to wound you. And you know this. My will has never been to lie or deciet, to be unruly or cause doubt. My smile is yours alone to know what it harbors. And the secrets my heart contain are always known to you.
I fear neither age or the unknown future in your arms. Listening to your heart I find purpose and the absence of pain.
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forgiveness
2007-08-05
Ok, bitchfest.
I have known, and been working on a particular area in my life. That part of me that punishes and torments myself over deeds/doings that I have not set a forgivness for. Like making yourself say sorry knowing there will never be a sorry good enough to accept it so you keep on for eternity.
And it has served to wilt my heart and provide little growth inside. I looked for this atonement outside. In what I could do to help others, this makes me feel worthy and good again. Its an odd situation for me, in one breath I can say that is not me at all....in another I can perfectly fit it into my life cycles. A friend suggested a Master/servant relationship. Stating this brought out her need for forgiveness and the guidence to become a better person. However.....I have a strong pride....and stubborn mind. I don't see myself being a good servant, nor do I have a desire for it. Which is really important if I am understanding it correctly. Its not a forced thing, its an embrace of two consenting adults. My love is not a Master by any means, very much loving a woman that can make her own world and life without constant direction. Providing support, but likes me on my own feet most of the time. Sure we play~ who doesn't? Sexual play is quite different than real life slavery.
So in my ponderings, I pulled the Judgement card. Find relief in recognition of past deeds and embrace the chance to move forward was a loud and clear slap in the face. I can self torment as long as I want~ no one says I have a time limit. But is that all I want out of life? Well that is the question right now isn't it? I want so much more and the first step is to just stop asking for forgiveness and give myself some. When I contemplated that awhile, I found it soooo much easier to forgive quite a few other folks in my life as well.
I am sure it will take some time and a few attempts. .....a few reminders....but I feel better about it. When life doesn't make sense and your stagnant, turn it on its head and look again. I think ass backwards can be forward when dealing with past issues.
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camp outs
2007-08-03
Happy Lughnassa!
Well the campout was a hit. And the moon was beautiful. We had a full ritual by the firepit and was pretty impressed with the turnout. On Tuesday night I found out another one of our friends is interested in studying and wanted in on our celebration. As well as my mother in law. So we had a few more than planned and made us a bit nervous, but all in all it was a good turn out.
The winds were strong for the first little bit on Tuesday night. I was starting to worry they would blow out the tiki torches but as soon as we cast the circle it died down and we were able to complete everything quite alright. For the offerings of appreciation we harvested ripe plumes and blackberries, it was a good feeling to go through this much work for a celebration. With homemade grape wine and everything. Although, I think the mosquitos in that area are well fed. I counted at least 32 bites on myself alone. And I am sure the kids and hubby are covered as well.
At the end of my work week, took a paid day off for the holiday so had a short work week. Rather nice, but they worked my toes off. Had a few scary run ins as well. I felt like a good CNA today. Seeing a few things the nurse missed or didn't have a chance to go check on yet. And was able to get them the help they needed~ I can see and report a few things but its the nurses that can actually DO something about it. And access it correctly. But, they took the time to say thank you and seemed happy that I was observant....even though I had a rough section already.
I don't have very many good days anymore at work. So many patients and I feel stretched, not able to give the time and attention I want to give each person. Some are silent, awaiting for the opportunity for me to come in....and sometimes that is the wrong thing to do. Hit the call light I tell them. And I can work it in if I know ahead of time. And don't be afraid to use that call light, I can't read your mind. I did recieve a compliment on my attitude. Cheery~ and helpful. Although he remarked to my boss that I seemed very 'tired on my feet and overwhelmed'. I had a good talking to , but assured him I was seen in the middle of one person started to code and a new admit that wasn't doing well either. The one that was coding wasn't breathing well at all and lips were turning blue, and the neighbor had to use the bathroom. I stepped over and asked if I could get to him in a few minutes I had an emergency at the moment. I hit the staff asst. button and then followed my nurses orders afterwards for about twenty minutes. We shipped him to ICU and then I saw my new admit coming down the hall screaming and pulling at things. A confused MRDD patient. So I helped get her settled and in bed. Now this has been about forty minutes since the other gentleman had to use the bathroom. I went back and he was rather upset about the whole thing, but expressed more worry over his room mate than anything else. After using the bathroom he began to get more upset that I couldn't talk about the patient, or his history. I couldn't say anything besides he wasn't breathing well and moved to more intensive care. He didn't understand. But in the end, he said I was helpful in a tight spot and still remained cheery and smiling even though he cuold see I was tired. So that made me feel a bit better about the whole event.
Sometimes I wonder if I am in the right field. I mean...majority of folks I take care of are actually in need of serious medical help. There is a percentage that hate the help offered, and the way it comes about. And they make my day just horrible...12 hours of "this hospital stinks" "I can't sleep in this awful bed" "the food is disqusting" I already understand I am not seeing folks at their best....but I really want to say to them " have some grace' but I would be fired in a heartbeat.
Does that mean I am burnt out? I am all used up in my caregiving? The numbers of drug withdrawls is rising. Those are about the worst patients for me as I can't let them do anything on their own and they never understand why. I can't make all the pain disappear and I can't make everything ok right now. And I can't even put myself in their shoes to try and understand the stress of their withdrawl. I have been a CNA for years now...what nine? something like that. And usually enjoy my job. I enjoy helping, and being part of a special experience when I send someone home. Or help calm t heir fears. Being there when they need someone. I enjoy the thrill, the excitement. Learning new things, and being a relief to some folks who just need someone to depend on. Its part of my co dependency I suppose. I like to be needed. And I know at home....my hubby doesn't need me around but enjoys my company. A healthy relationship. But at work~ they need me. Its a good way to handle it I think.
Anyhow...off to beddy by.
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