[The Void]
blessings
2007-07-29
On the up side? I got a few calls and emails with that "hugs hun we are here".
I didn't think I would get them but so happy I did.
I am getting ready for my campout. I am so excited over the full moon that will be present! A bit worried over leaving the kitties for two days....but we have a good supply of water and food stored.
I stopped by an old friends house the other day. Someone I haven't seen in many months. It was pleasing that he still joked with me, and wanted to stay in contact. Also offered help on moving! Woot! I have had one friend offer to stay with us to unpack, another to help drive items down. That is a good feeling. I know I am moving farther away, that has never meant away for good. I didn't want to loose the contacts I cherish, and did not like the awkwardness I have confronted with this whole moving path that came along.
Did some checking around, there seems to be a good amount of folks close to albany that like to potluck, so I am excited. And with a handful that still remain in contact with me here~ I think they will make the drive for some fun activities now that I will have a place to do it in. This ho use has never been suitable for company. I have never been comfortable having people over like I did at my townhouse. My older place, before here, I had company all the time. It was a big change moving here and being rather alone. It will be yet another change with all the acreage and less opportunity till I meet a few folks....but I am a social gal....I am sure I will make some contacts.
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Weaknesses
2007-07-25
Do you have any idea how it feels to crave a scent that you have experiened a thousand times before? To have it pull at your very senses to bend back your mind and leap at the prawl of it again?
Addiction? Passion?
I am fighting right now between feelings of overburden and the opposite......... way too much time on my hands. With my panties in the knots they are I find it safe that my love is still there...to force me into his lap and give me a strong anchor to hold onto in the midsts of my hurricane upsets.
I finally admitted my current mental status to him aloud and precise....I am out of my element and out of power~ and I do not like that. I am feeling like I need sheltering and I hate myself when I feel like that. Its a weak side of me that I had to break years ago when I divorced. Now...its here...*then more intense jibberish I couldn't tell you what* now I am going right back to it like the worthless piece of ass I am!
Well...having never met my loving partner let me tell you a bit about him~ he has the deepest eyes you have ever seen~ more intense than perry masons and more kind than any grandfather you can think of. He has always had a way of saying things in a soft tone that does not defy the stubborness in me or challenge my authority in a situation. Yet...seems to get his point across with a fight and without hurting my feelings. Even if its as plain as~ your being a dramatic fool at the moment~ please give yourself some grace.
He pulls my hair out of my face and smiles~ would it be so wrong if you need me around like this? I have always been here, and think you will find your land legs once we are settled~
At this point I am feeling stupid for the dramatic tears and snot on my face. But gently he brushes them all away~ along with all the feelings of worthless that I am soo damn good at making myself believe.
I have a strong mate. I have always been pridefully proud of my family. The way they are growing up, the way we take care of eachother. And....how they deal with moms bs when she is out of her element!
With his normal smile he starts to name out all the different things we can do out there that we cannot do here. All the things we always wanted, yet never had the space for. All the things I am better at than he is, and most importantly~ that there is nothing out there that needs to be done that I have never done before just out of practice and feeling a bit fragil~ and for the moment he can fix that.
With his strong arms I buried myself for almost an hour. Just letting his breath fill my very soul. The sound of his heart was drums of the pow wows I knew and loved. Somewhere in him, in this moment...I found that precious and very complicated emotion for me~ release and surrender.
Just to let go and let him hold me. Just to breath. That is all I have to do, breath. Live. Believe in this and breath.
I stayed there in that muscular hold till I was almost asleep. These are the arms that helped me whenever I have needed it. Supported my back when I delivered his son. Held my hand when we learned my oldest has a seizure disorder. Let me pound his chest when I was angry with the world and held me against my own will to show me how much he is willing to take~ as long as I stay here~ in his arms. These are strong arms.
And...today...feeling a bit of a headache over my fits...I think there is a shred of light in what he means. Although...it will take a few hours to admit to that.
So...off to work...and breath. I believe I have given myself the right to be fragil for the next little bit. So if I haven't returned an email I deeply apologize. however if you have a hug for me you have all my ears and eyes!
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rambles
2007-07-20
Whew and good night nurse!
Its been tiresome and rough this last while but I feel I pulled ahead. Well...WE pulled ahead. The help of a few ears to listen to all the little things I had around my head floating and talking waiting to breath life once again.
Its an odd sort of response to great changes~ not odd as in unique, just odd. When something big happens talking about all the little details no one wants to listen to is healing. Like electricity it shoots in your head to your heart and back all in complete nonsense. But angels fall out of the sky and listen with big round eyes and a carton of cigarettes ....hmm tobacco fairies...haha
On the bonus side, I lost that few more pounds I was aiming for. Still keeping the changes in my deit as best I can. Lost another 6 pounds....6.....wow...not alot for most folks but man...that was alot of work and waiting.
Yesturday I wore a scrub top I have not been able to fit into *fit into and breath at the same time* since 1999! And yes I admit to the sad hands that clutched to it thinking "One day....one day I will wear it again" Gods whoever reads this please tell me you have at least one garment you hold onto as well.....
Looking forward to camping at the end of this month. There is a full moon, and since I work on Lughnassa I had planned to celebrate early. Makes for a good reason to try for a campout at new traditional camping area. I admit, it will be a bit different thinking of all the memories that are tied to that spot but I did visit it a few times in the last few weeks to see if it held me back...I felt happy there. And still....a sense of ownership and belonging there. And an urgent need to keep my tradition going. So a friend called up and wanted to do the full moon ritual together and he is working on trying to camp as well. What luck! A pagan campout is always fun~ when you have a few fun loving pagans I suppose.
Its a good time to be there, the plums are just getting ripe, the blackberries, blueberries are ripe as ever and strawberries we planted in spring as well. The veggie garden is busting at the seams so really all I am thinking I need to bring is cow and pig meat along with wine. My friend attending is bringing kava kava and is also thinking of bringing his home brew of wine...yum yum.
I am still panicy about being out there all by myself...until times like this. Then I realize what a prize it is just to have it and live in it. A few acres of green. That is magical and responsive. That you can run about naked on. And harvest every year. To have well water that is the best I have ever had. And a little old cottage....beats a new house for me anyday. I love those little cottages. So full of history and stories. On the door hindges are still markings from the 60's of heights and ages. There are names, and worn out areas that show that this house has seen many things. It feels welcoming. And I am sure, this winter, I will begin to enjoy the wood stove. I have never had one before.
More space to have more animals as well. There are owls in the back, raccons and many deers. So far no cougars, but still on the watch. Swear I saw a bobcat the other day...made me nervous over my little guys....but I think it will be alright. Hopefully it was just a big kitty.
I got to see a few hawks out there, and all kinds of birds. They came to watch us put up another patio covering and arrange the tables and chairs for summer fun. Of course helping themselves to the veggies left picked yet not gathered inside yet. I sat down, lit a cigarette and let them have their fill. I am sure I will regret it later but it was so beautiful to see so many be so graceful. Not fighting for the food, just picking over what they wanted. Then flying off what they could carry and after about ten minutes they all cleared out. They did leave me over half of what was there...so that was awesome.
I am making some bird feeders for when we get out there. We stopped making them here cause they worked as merely 'cat feeders' giving there was no where high enough for the birds to feed safely. The oaks out there are for sure tall enough. And I even have a squirrel one to put up too. We wanted a bat house...but my neighbor has cattle and I am sure he would not appreciate that. So we gave it away.
I am trying to gather what plants I really want to grow down there as well. Some pineapple weeds, yes I know they are no ones favorite but make a wonderful tea. And they are also N. american natives so can't be all that bad. I am trying to study how to take a magnolia cutting...I think fall is when you do it but need to read more.
My bleeding heart bush, I planted two years ago and french sorrel. Another weed I love the taste of. I have so far successfully kept a patch of black medic alive for transport and some curly docks as well. Yes yes....lots of weeds. I guess I should call myself a weed lover with gardening tendencies.
On the upside, most of these once established can live in the back and out of the veggie garden area. And do not need routine watering. Gotta love that. I hope to plant a thimble berry bush and salmon berry as well next year, on the east side there is already a good selection of fruits I think it will make a good addition in front of the raspberries and loganberries.
I know the area pretty good, spotted out some plants I do not have to transport. Theres alot of ferns, foxgloves and wild blueberries. Thistles and tisels, broad leaf docks and wild apples. Pineapple mints, orange and apple mints, comfrey and violets. Filberts~ for those not used of that term they are hazelnuts. Found a fig tree that doesn't look good, but trying to breath it back to life. Plantains, mallows and mulleins. Cedar bushes galore and cypress. A small white sage from my mother in law and a juniper bush taller than I am. Hemlocks, henbane and vetch all in one area....for sure these will have to stay clear of the kids foraging areas....but still want to keep them. Skunk cabbage! I found two growing pretty well in the swampy area far in back of the property, which I was delighted yet holding my nose to see.
Well there is many....and going to have fun teaching hubby which are which over the next few years. He seems more interested in the edibles and trees. But I hope he learns the secrets of the others in due time. He is making his first oil blend this month and hopefully once he is comfortable with that, some incense. With his mathmatical brain I think the sky the limit in salves and teas but he needs to first learn the basics.
I need to keep telling myself all the good things. Cause in the midst of it all I feel scared. I feel lonely even though I am not there yet. I feel removed and moved on without realizing I was actually the one moving on this time. Usually...I am the one that is left.
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kitty
2007-07-17
Sometimes getting used of a common fact of life is damn there impossible. There are things so small and detailed that cling to your heart. You cannot see them, but sense them in a way that boggles all logical thought. They are feelings and memories. They are emotions, and ties. They are things that make you re experience even against your own will.
Shakespeare was no ordinary kitty cat to me. He was a drama king straight out of a any drag queen flick. He would sprawl out on the kitchen floor if he was hungry. Acting like he hasn't been fed in days...in truth it had been merely an hour.
He would cuddle at your feet after clawing your leg ..just to let you know he was there. And of course on my pillow when I went to bed. Often found nestling and cleaning my cheek while I was deathly ill with a nasty lung infection last month. He was mostly a black cat, with white areas. And he was a doll.
While kittens play like crazy, we have been really careful over the almost three months they have become part of our family. But a recliner always has dangerous areas....and he found one of them.
I cried so hard, all night and into the next day. I still have his five siblings running about. And they have been extra cuddly and attentive since he left. The hardest part was watching his mother lick him continuesly as trying to wake him from a sleep that will last forever. She had trusted me to watch over them often and at this point had let her down it seemed. I held her almost all night.
Some say it was just a cat, not like a dog....I still don't get this idea. I do not own a dog, never had....and most likely never will. Cats really choose their owners....and he choose me. Along with bobcat...who still hangs close by letting me know he is still my kitty cat.
I have spent a few hundred dollars on my cats. Taking them to the vet, and check ups....I tend to them as family and really feel they are family. With status and depth that a family member deserves. I remember running momma cat to the vet after her miscarrage....it was all fine of course but I was so worried. This batch of kittens was a nice surprise after that horrible incident.
Been dealing with it slowly. Trying to trust myself again with their proper care and attention....granted that recliner is biting the dust....I just can't look at it the same anymore.
But I suppose....all Shakespeares tales end in tragedy. And maybe that was a fitting name to the kitty that responded to it. I am happy it was a quick ending. And happy for the siblings that still run at my feet. Glad there is a dumpster that recliners can meet their ends. And that I have a small house to better look over the little angels....just not happy enough sometimes.
pain sucks....
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changes
2007-07-10
Its over 24 hours of no Mt. Dew....and its easier than last time. But I miss not the taste as much as the bubbles....but I feel alright. Actually one of those up all night sort of highs. I thought without the caffiene doses I would be toast. But maybe its just a momentary high before I crash.
My sugar intake has cut by more than half these last few days. And it feels so odd. I am not thrilled by it but like the already visible changes. My pores have opened up some more. And through the exhausting playing of my love....my eyes are starting to clear up and become more alive.My eyes love to cry it seems. My shorts are noticebly looseing, and I hope this continues. The areas most available for leather treatment are also welcoming the stimulation and have since been a bit more toned and sensitive to touch. I spent a good ten minutes admiring the work done. A bit of raised welts but the overall look...is just beautiful. Thank goodness I wear scrubs to work....
Checking my sugar three times a day for the last week. So far, the levels are stable. And I am excited to see it as such. With the weight gain that has taken place over the last few years I was starting to worry. Now, to tackle my dehydration issues...I think that is curing itself with the lack of soda to drink. Hard when I see it there in the fridge. Just one glass away...pass it by and reach for the iced tea or the refridgerated water instead. I wanted the sugar drinks the kids were snacking on, and delighted myself with a frozen blackberry ice tea mix I made myself...I still wanted the sugar but not as bad.
My goal is next summer....hopefully the person inside I feel is beautiful and fun will also show on the outside. The energy to do the things I so want to do again and the strength to withstand it.
If that is the case I know cigarettes will be the next to go. for the moment they are still the aide to my life as they have been for years. One day without them set me back to blood pressure medicine and anxiety medication. Gods..
Todays my lovers birthday. And I am rather exicted for the days outgoings. ....hmm package in the mail from a private dealer and in privacy wrapping. Gas in the car for a trip to keep me cool in the heat that will hit today. He spoils me rotten....the kids will be exhausted from whatever we do today and the night is ours. I even made sure I have tomorrow off to recover.
My skin is crawling with anticipation!
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Normal Days
2007-07-08
My mornings....I love them.... just the plain run of the mill normal I suppose. Opening up the house, with kittens at my feet. Starting the morning cream of wheat and kiddo happily helping himself to the brown sugar. My oldest asking a billion questions off his newest animal planet show~ I have no idea if ice worms have eyes or how many...
Cats fed and well played with~ sometimes I really must be careful when I decide to wear skirts...and off for the laundry. I love hanging my laundry. The smell, the crispness of the towels...its all just homey to me. I grew up hang drying my laundry, and spent a good amount of years hand washing it as well. After another load taken down, another goes up and if I hesitate too long I will get backed up on it....and cats love to pee in a pile of dirty laundry.
Before I knew it the sun rose high and a quick run to shut out all the light till my house is in utter darkness. I swipe a handful of mints quickly from the front step garden and make the final closure of the front door. If you really don't do well with the heat you ought to try a handful of mints run under cool water and rubbed on the back of your neck. Its so damn refreshing.
I set them in front of the fan to blow the scent high into the livingroom. And start the middle of the day low energy tasks that will plague me until sundown.
I passed the time in the middle heat by looking at webcams in Alaska. There is one placed in my grandmothers village and I love to see what the weather is like up there. Foggy, rainy....beautiful. I look at the other web cams farther up north. The sky is clear and the mountain gleam their snowy tops. I can only imagin what it would be like to climb those rocks....I have climbed many in my younger years. Five finger jack, Mt. Jefferson and half way to Mt. Hood....I kinda backed out after a bit...but hey I was 11. Coffin mountain and Reineer....gosh it was so much fun.
My loves birthday comes soon. And the kids are making him a clay snake all colored with paints. Granted there is more paint on the cardboard than the snake...but they tried and it looks wonderful. A fortress with three bridges for his warhammer skimish games. Made from empty oatmeal containers and liliac stems. I think he will like it. Once its completed of course. I tried to keep my ideas to myself and only helped with the cutting and some of the glueing.
I didn't balance the bills just right for this pay day. And the grocery list will have to wait another week. So no eggs for a cake, and no special surprises this time around. Although, I think I will make a day the week after with a cake and some of our friends to celebrate.
He is about 33, and doesn't really act like it. In some ways, he is the mature one of the bunch. When the kids and I are out playing in mud puddles he ready's some towels while shaking his head and smiling. When the lights go out he is out of bed checking on everything. A bump in the night, or a knock at the door in the evening. Like a protector he is mature, but like a boy he still plays and tries to win my approval. I see it in his smile when he has done something special for me. Like my oldest boy's face when he caught his first snail and wanted me to name him. Thats that face, the look~ and it is precious.
These days, I mean ones like this I want to be a full time house wife. Take care of the two boys, the six kittens and houseplants. Manage the bills and laundry and my garden. Let him worry about the money earning end of it and the repairs...but the bigger side of me would love to have him quit his already part time job just to make me happy. Not too long ago he worked three jobs while I sat home caring for our youngest boy. Then I decided to head back to work less than a year later....then asking him to quit all but one job. Then of course....to quit full time and go part time.
I smiled and said you need more time worshiping me....haha...now I wonder how much I was joking? The way his schedule falls he has ten days off in a row every other week. And those days are spent making me things, taking care of the boys, fixing things for me and getting our future house ready. Did I enslave him? Without even noticing? I thought about it today, while taking out the garbage and recycling. I had told him to clean up the carport last week, and where to put some things. And as I glanced around...they were done. I said I wanted this weekend or that weekend off and I miss the coast....before I knew it he was planning the coast trip. I wanted a new container for the strawberries I was growing with the kids, when I got home from work there they were. Painted and sized accordingly.
Our relationship is funny. In so many ways I have the final decision making process. I would like to say it is mutual...but not really. When it concerns my money I don't really ask if I can buy this or that. When its his money he doesn't ask either~ although does in form me more than I do him. When its a weekend we both have off we tend to just let each other know what we had in mind...and then I notice I have veto power. He seems to want to serve. And I have no idea why but I am not complaining. In our sex life however the roles reverse. And he is a God. I will do anything to please him and he can ask for anything he wants. And he has recently started feeling out these areas of domination. How to give orders, how to be forceful, how to not wait for my approval. How to surprise me, how to drive me to insanity with pleasure. Maybe its another form of serving? But I love it. Its still funny though....how many folks are proper and well trimmed folks out there that help you day to day in a professional manner had strawberry flavored oil spread all over their penis and tied up their wives for a night of pleasure? Sure his muscles are sore and he yawns alot...don't ask why.
There maybe a few areas of my life that are out of whack, and not working like I wished they would. But the majority of my home life, spiritual life and love life....things couldn't be better. I guess I would rather have it this way than the other way around. I just hope friends really can ride roller coasters. And are as strong as they say they are. Life gets bumpy...
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humanity is interesting
2007-07-08
There are alot of ideas that can only follow after opening the trap we call a mouth. And of course afterwards....the swallowing of the foot is a tradition carried on to long. It is strange in a world full of unique people, we crave both to be one with our neighbors and separate as divinely made. And in this war I find myself merely an observer. Still too critical and jaded to take a side.
I have no idea what it is in me that is so judgemental at times. I want to figure it out and solve it...yet hold onto it cause it gives me strength and an upper edge at times. I want to punish it, and kill it with fire of clarity .... I want to run from it, and hide. And bull doze it down with tears of pain.
I wanted a place to write it out...and pick through it. Hindsight is always more clear than before. And who, if any...would think one would need to do that? Don't say a unique person, that is all washed up.
Me...deep inside lies someone with jealousy. Someone with a sense of eager knowing of your failures. Not that I rejoice in them, just in being able to know them. I want to see your fragil side. Your damaged sides. That weeping bleeding wounded flesh inside your heart. Are you afraid? A part of me actually gets hyper when you show it. I have no idea why exactly...just does. And I love to see you angry.
What to do with such inner secrets? That indeed parts of me are of jealousy, envy, hatred and self pity? What is a person to do when confronted with these you laugh? Is it a sign of illness? Is it a sign of humanity?
Deep inside also lies this person that tries forever. And beating my own inner demons at every turn. This person is more positive about situations to the point of being gullible and a doormat. Problem is, these two sides are not suppose to live in the same person. And, to never be spoken about. Never admitted to, never opened up to the light.
Humanity is interesting.
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normal things
2007-07-08
Back into some old habits feel good. Brought out my herbal books and notebooks. So much info just tossed around a few different areas. I had planned to work on this in spring but it didn't fit.
My writing muscles weakened a bit from all the ease of typing....err...ahem....but hey computers rock, I can't imagin life without my dear boxy face I greet each day.
But in discovering the pieces of papers with herbal lore or history written down I also noticed that I had saved some from a previous study circle. And here I see...where someone left me a note or two. It brought back some old memories I wasn't quite able to understand at first. Was it missing them? Was it missing the whole study? Gosh...was it the company? Anyhow, I picked through all of it. About thirty pages from Asparagus to Wolfsbane. I was having a hard time not letting my mind drift however.
In the end I smiled at the experiences I had attained through that small group. We celebrated a summer solistice one year in a midst of sunflowers and broom bushes. Wading through in our gowns was funny and hot. Making candles outside under the stars. Gathering pine pitch for the first time. They were funny, and warm memories. I had to smile.
The more I shuffled and rewrote the notes the more I started to realize these things kept me going. And to this day I compile and study information, and search for those nature orientated folks that just have a drive to know. A normal friday night can find me researching a new healing technique or studying on a rare species of avacado that smells like anise. I don't miss a full moon or new moon and holidays are just brought out with all ritual ceremony and laughter. No matter how tired I am.
These things that make me me...have not been very good to some folks I know. And after awhile they tip toe off for other avenues and I watch them leave. Its hard sometimes. And I can't seem to change myself to fit their lives and look at myself in the mirror. Nor would they allow me too.
Its lonely sometimes....although...as in all things walking in nature its lonely because I haven't seen something I needed to see. Not because of lack of options. I need to look more, realize more. Embrace more.
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sometimes
2007-07-05
I really don't understand alot of personalities I have emersed myself with. At times, it feels alien~ or rather~ something so unknown to me I cannot trace origins or guess at the roots of it. It is usually not a depressed or separated feeling like the word alien can mean, more like new or part of another herd in this wild animal family.
One in particular I cannot let go of. It glitters and shines to me like a challenge wanting to be solved. So far, in the past year I have maintained a rather standoffish approach to it. Allowing more hints to drop and devour them one by one.
Today, it was pretty frank, and I couldn't help but blush....I wish....there were other more devoted people in my life right now but at the same time this period I have been struggling through has proved so educational and challenging.....
I have often looked at myself in the mirror realizing not only are there other problems to fix but that there are new areas that have blossomed. Like pores opening for the first time. There are things I really like there, and I need to like them. The problem is they sit in an area of my brain that says : still trying for. And that is a trap. Stalls me from saying~ I have achieved something. And, like the rest of the world at times, there is someone ready with a fly swatter waiting for that pink bubble of yours to squash it. And, like another one of my problems...all I really want for them is to be happy. And if that distrubs my path...well I can take another go at it when they are settled. Why?
I think its a worthy trait. I just think it is misplaced. And the path I am treading on is so unique to me that of course I will discount something at the first hint of disapproval if I need to.
I talked to a friend the other day, someone I have not spoken to in a little bit. And of course theres a rumor chain along with it...and I was proud to just stand back and say : I am sorry this is affecting you. But I really can't get involved, and I really don't need to know what was said concerning me. There was a good deal of silence.
But I still stick to it. I want to know hell I will be honest. But inside I know I will grip onto it looking for that shred of truth that may lie within. And I will feel awful for having upset someone enough like this...to say these things. I had to just shoot it down. And it was hard. Who would think such a thing is hard? most of me wants to hear it so I can fix what needs fixing...the other part wants to hear it to know....just to know. But my heart wants to say fuck off. And please spend more time telling me things interesting about you...instead of about me?? Do you not have anything worthy to share?
I think a clear new goal for me....is to consider the source of things I have heard concerning me. Sure all the new folks that have popped up lately are wonderful. And I have already given that they are wonderful..until they prove otherwise. That is how my heart works. But others...that have shown me otherwise....maybe it is time to take that as a REASON. I am too small in character to even dedicate myself to a reason of why others can and will hurt me...Good lord what is wrong with that center of mybrain? I don't want to argue with you, cause I will hurt you. I don't want to go on like this cause it hurts me. I don't want to make you feel bad cause it hurts me...so suck it up and apologize, which is a hurtful thing to do cause it is unjust. In the end, you can't make most folks happy, they have to make themselves happy...and if they really have these issues with you....let them walk away and stop bugging them. Lay low. And contemplate the art of recieving.
My cards were read for me the other day. A strong message was to recieve. Open up to the idea...of recieving. And not causing all the time. My river is low, and this time I need to let a good amount of rain in instead of doing a rain dance to make it happen.
I had a hard time lifting my head afterwards. My pride was hurt. I had tried as hard as I could to figure out the best path to take in all this. Trying to be a good person, a good friend. And what did it amount to? I was doing the opposite of what I should do.
Then again...its just the cards right? Shit....I know better than that....
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perception
2007-07-02
Because there is still something~
That was my only response as I was asked why I keep trying. Because there is still something there. A push? A whisper? or...whimper?
There is still something inside me that says to give, to try again. Defeat is a perspective, and self pity is wasted on the wise. My friend said that before he died. I miss him, terribly. I tried to pray and talk with him, but of course it ended up as me talking to myself and staring out into the sky. He wouldn't be around waiting for an opportune moment....he would be out there making anything and everything happen. And that is what kind of people we were. And why we got along so damn well. He had the action, I had the passion, together we ruled our little world. And when it came crashing down he went quietly save a few little words. Keep trying, keep pushing. Your taking up the reigns for both of us now. And when I come back I am assuming you have it all under control...corrina always does. She handles it.
I have no idea when I adopted that sort of thoughtline. When it became a monster in my mind and my life. When I started to routinely nourish it with delimas and drama? I don't remember the change into that direction, nor the decision into this path that has seemed to grow around me. But it has. And of course, a good time to remember...I have to handle it. Because? Well...because I always do.
I was sipping wine and enjoying the nice relaxing evening after hard work at my future home. These five acres....wow...alot to handle after living a life in a small piece of land surrounded by concrete. I must have felt tipsy but it was my first drink but I started out in laughter.
This is a world I had never dreamed of! And I am worried about shit out of my freakin control? And I spent hours thinking of how I can change it, how I can't change it and how it should have been if I was in someone elses shoes...meanwhile counseling a friend on biting off more than she can chew and learning personal restiction on others delimas.....ya....nice real nice there girl.
Maybe I needed the session more than she did. But I love that qoute~ May I be an example of what not to do, serving as a warning to others of what might come. Along with: If God is watching, lets at least be interesting.
I feel loved. And that is a wonderful thing. I feel I am guided in the right spiritual direction. With support and physical reminders of that path. I feel I am being prepared for something great. And finally with enough courage to do so...without always waiting for anothers approval. I know I don't have it from most folks around me. And that weighed me down...and I think that is the root or seed of alot of my mental set backs. I needed them to say : You are a good person with wit and potential. I needed them to say hey you are someone cool and fun. I needed someone other than the one I sleep with to say you da bomb baby.
Why?
Maybe I am weak. Maybe its because i haven't fully learned that since of inner dependence. Maybe...like my mother just told me. Maybe I had to let someone help me so they can realize they are useful and talented in guidence? She is a marvelous woman. Like a lightbulb my head exploded. Let someone else help me....well I indeed didn't plan it that way....but the folks that have been helping have loved doing so. And in that have found something inside themselves they didn't believe in before. That is actually how I followed that bit of talent I have....in jumping in when there is a need. Problem? no sense of bias where and when I jumped. So lesson one, evaulate the situation.
Its strange how physical connections can make the mind cleared to deal with emotional upsets. Why do men push for sex when I am really wanting to talk it out? Well...as it happens....the sex really helped. Granted he was sleeping by the time I figured it out...poor man....he looked exhausted. But happy. Men are mysterious creatures for me. And....after all this time....I like them that way. Don't let me figure you all out right now. Don't let me assume all things...or guess your next move. Let me sit in awe of you, marvel at your uniquness...and if I forget to do this....prove it to me.
We have been trying to keep up the Full and New moon rituals with eachother. He isn't one to watch the calendar, so I have to be better about saying : this is how it is. But a part of me is uncomfortable doing so. But....if that is all it takes....I can do it. Us doing rituals together has brought us closer together for sometime now. In sharing our respect for spirituality I also developed a different outlook of his mind and emotions. He has awesome energy, that healing vitalizing energy I really need right now. And he is in need of someone to help snap him back into disciplined study.....ok...spiritual flash..
wasn't it not long ago I asked for the opportunity? And here presents someone who trusts me...respects me to show I have some talent in this? Not long ago, I asked for a spiritual system of which I could devote myself to and work to provide community among pagans of all paths....and then I was recieved into a beautiful budding one? I asked for a spiritual challenge to see what I am made of? And my mentor happens to be one of the hardest and Dean of Mentors? And of course I wanted ritual space just like my mother in laws....and this summer it will be mine? Strange when your always looking for whats wrong with whats right....that is the only thing you see? I have seen the bills, the nasty comments from folks...the putdowns trickle down the gossip line. And of course, I am keen on hearing them.
But what of the good? Even where I am in my education....there is soooo much more to learn. Thank the Goddess for patience...
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easier
2007-07-02
What would have made a difference? You ask yourself, but never actually fully answer. You think until you convince yourself that you have...then settle with the fact you are doing the best you can do...and that doesn't measure up to others expectations.
Meanwhile, in my life...things are actually looking fine. Went to the Zoo, did some work on my future home. Played with my kitties and had explosive sex. Seems to be alright right? But in the corner of my mind I still ask~ what now?
When you stop trying hard, like your used to. If your the one people have learned to turn to and expect to always be there...and your not 'as there' as you are known to be...you actually feel a bit free. In the moments when there is no emails, or posts to read. No phone calls to return and no one to answer to, you feel a bit lightened by the urgency of others requests. But you also feel the sting..that your just another person that faded out of their lives as well.
Sure folks will be there if you bug them to be. But after what a few months? a year? When is it they provide a few moments to be there for you? Just for shits and giggles? Just.... because?
Its a cruel part of reality that says you can do everything in your power to be the person you want to be and in the end fail everyone but those close by. The ones that know all your flaws but would never mumble them aloud.
Today, closing my group...I felt that sting. I was a faded out person that couldn't provide enough and didn't measure up to the expectations at hand. And whos around to say I thought you were cool anyhow? Ya...those are golden nuggets of which my life essence is being pledged.
I am a funny gal, laughs easy and will bend over ripping the shirt off my back if it will make your life a tad easier. I let them blame me, and scorn me. Without much of a reply. I don't want them to feel bad about it...but in the actions create a self pity I had never intended. So I am a bit cold toward some, a bit let down. But also...excited to see where my life will head.
I am content in the smiles I have recieved. In the warm words of support from a few that knew this was not easy on me. In fact, one of the hardest things I have done. Not just a viewpoint of what I could have done, or what I have done to others...but the view of I have feelings in this as well. That are not all mapped out. That are not all at peace.
I am a forgiving creature. And practicing that a bit more in the last few weeks.
And at the moment....forgiving myself for the disregard of assholes feelings.....its easy to be pissed off than to be loving.
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