[The Void]
love is crazy wonderful
2007-06-23
Its one of those things, that I have today accepted as mystery and sacred. Because there is no other way to define my love for him....hmmm my lust as well....in a way that retains the same respect that I have for it.
I am wondering....if its just not a good time to be picking apart the things that are going wonderfully~ to look for the possible bad that can be hidden inside. Its obvious to me, we are having a great time. And anything that unfolds because of it, will be totally dealable.
Can't things just be good because they are? Or must I have that one idea that scratches at all things.
I think there is a part of each man that is on the conquest....always on the next challenge...I just never firgured I would continue to be that conquest. Where I can let go of the reigns for a small part of my day. Feel desired in all different ways. Feel sexy. Feel sought after and still leaving something to the imagination afterwards. My hope is this feeling is not short lived.
My kids are getting older, and I stopped today to take back out my jewerly I missed the last few years. Those dangling earrings....the rings and necklaces. My white see through dresses, and silky outfits. My high heels and even my beloved essential oils. I am finding my will again...even started my jogging once again. Passed the pancakes for my yogurt today. And fruit instead of potato chips...I feel better...not just better but explosive....
*breaks out in song* I feel pretty...oh so pretty....
haha need to back down off the caffiene maybe?
I feel back on the prawl...like I am stalking him all over again. It never truely went away but changed .... now days its more like cooking his favorite meals and clearing the computer space of my debris for him as a special thing. But its more back to the full body massages, and aggresive butt pats when he bends over to fix the sink....that I lied about it backing up to begin with...just wanted him to get into that grey tank and old work pants spread out on the kitchen floor while the kids went with my sis to the store. His signature smile when I had to confess, and realized he had been caught in a snare...
It must be a delicate area for a man to be in, I would think. Somewhere he has to be comfortable and let me run my own life. My bank account, my bills, and my name on my car title. I make my own plans, merely 'check in' to see if it interferes with his game nights with his friends. And, I actually plan those game nights and attend....I love to play Warhammer with his friends. I don't know what men think of Female game players....but we don't bitch too much over models on the kitchen table. On the other be the solid one, when my life gets rough and I have a temper...and appreciate a good standing fight. Be the soft listener, and the quiet one of the bunch when we are out. The gentleman, offering his seat and carrying the heavy things....yet lets me work on the car with him and knows I can lift pretty well and safely. Then unleash this savage beast in bed on occasion. Leaving me sore and smiling with glittering sweat in the morning. I am demanding....I can see that. I am complicated. I can see that too. But I am also....so damn happy. And on the prawl, he still creates this persistent thirst in me. My cheeks still blush...and I still get gitty. Love is fancinating....
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I think too much
2007-06-23
And once again there it is. This kind, quiet man.....pounces.
I am in a bit of a confused state as to why I am in total excitement and intrique over it. I cannot really make it make sense. Where in my brain does it say this, of all things, is pleasurable? Sure there are other things that are pleasurable....but this as well? How does it equate?
Demand things and push yourself and be persistent....usually those things in a man directly turn me off. I said no, I meant no...and yes this stays until I say differently. But I suppose there is a difference between just a man....and a lover.
I have been wondering if its the weightlessness of it all? I like being the bill payer, the hard worker. I am considered an 'overachiever' at work. I stress about the small things, trying for perfection and I do notice my one brilliant talent of being very self critical. I can spot a flaw and mull over it all on my own for days....and days....but anyhow~ in some small area....I want that lifted from me and sit back and be enjoyed while enjoying.
For a base line on me....I don't paint my nails, nor do I file or care for them in any special fashion other than cleaning and clipping because 1 my work requires short nails and 2 I love to garden. I don't style my hair really, clean~brush~bun up for work or braid on a day off. Sometimes if I can I will wrap it up in a silky scarf but that is the extend of attention paid to grooming the hair. I don't use lotion unless its a special occasion. I don't use perfume, and have no idea of whats in style for clothes. I don't use make up. And rarely since i had children do I wear dangling jewerly. So I am used of being called a rough woman.
I am thinking, this may be a part that is enjoying this strong masculine force in the bedroom. I am not in charge. How much I would like to think I am, it starts when hes ready and ends when he decides so. Lucky for me....he likes to keep a good reputation of 'finishing the job' before its over. Another aspect.....I love being able to embrace that fragil yet desired female persona that does reside within me...somewhere. I know its there. And maybe this brings some of it out. I love how much he wants me. I will admit that....and it sounds selfish...but its true. I love that feeling of someone willing to risk looking foolish and making an ass of himself to win me over. Someone willing to go beyond simple asking or back rubs to get the goods. Show me those strong muscles....and how flexible are you? Do you back away at the first brush off? When something feels really good I pull away....don't let me. OH my goodness.....this is a new experience for me I will never ever regret.
Not that its like this all the time...not by any means. Its maybe 2 out of the week which leaves 3 or so to the normal. I am pretty persistent when I am in the mood...and lets face it. It doesn't take much to spark his interest really. In those times we are playful and mutually persistent with eachother.
I peeked into the saved favorites folders and found a few links to some new velcro bands and a blind fold....and I am gitty with excitement. Last time it was the surprise of warming massage oil and a feather tickler. Looks like he has something else in store. Next month is his birthday. I have a sneaky feeling he is deciding his birthday present...me.
When the rest of my world is ever changing, it is nice to have someone of such solidness in my life. That no matter what waves I crash into area around me he never moves. Just stands tall and upright. Taking it all in and being there when I come to my senses and need to talk or just....cry.
He held me tonight for two hours. Just playing with my hair and talking about the new things to come. Reminding me there is so much in life than what I have been worrying about as of late. We still have to finish our spiritual lessons together, and push forward in mentoring other students. Of which he thinks I will do well at. I am of course....still worried about it. On a good note...I have recieved several good recommendations from folks that I am ready to do it. Just need to believe in myself and not be so apologetic. That when I am sure of myself I do it well. But when I realize I am mentoring I 'go out' like a candle. And the magic is lost. hmmm are they just being nice?
So, I set a date. By Lughnassa I will have made a final decision if I will join the Mentors guild and take on First degree students for mentoring. With a years worth of training I will feel more comfortable and if the feedback is accurate...that will be that. If however I don't feel its my calling...I will continue to work toward the healers guild. Making it a top priority and taking a low rank in the Temple of our Sacred Sun. Or maybe a position in the Temple of Sedna...hmm well at least there are choices.
Times like this I have to remember my recommendations....and have enough faith if not within myself then those that wrote them for me. Not all liked me, so its not a personal bias....and not all are new to me. But have gotten to know me for the last three years. So...damn it...I have an easy time believing those negitive things about me and a hard time with the good. I have been working on this...and everything I practice what my friends tell me...I sound like an arrogant ass.
But therein lies my secret. Why am I afraid to be an arrogant ass? Why am I so quick to point it out? Or to shudder at the single shadow of it?
Cause I spent a good few years of my life that way. I was top dog. I was all I really cared about...and a few other folks were things that made my life more interesting but no investment was given. I didn't trust people that much. I trusted you to lie if you had to, and be honest if it benefits you. I truely believed somewhere in me, I had it all mapped out and no one understood my thoughtlines cause I was 'unique'. Reality slapped me pretty hard....and down....quickly!
Now I feel like I tred somewhere between arrogant and confident. Not knowing fully what side I am on at a given moment. I am also, never wanting to treat people like I had before. Granted I was a child then...doesn't really make a difference.....I still knew what I was doing. So I am still accountable.
But there has to be a middle area that you can be confident....and aware of that confidence....and not arrogant. Not hurtful.
Just....takes some time. I have yet to see anyone under the age of 62 retain this kind of persona....I have however...seen my lover maintain something very close. And for that he is my role model.
hmmm lover....think he is still awake...gotta go..
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litha thoughts
2007-06-21
Its Summer Solistice...and what a changing season this is for sure. What blooms isn't always within the gardens tended so lovingly.
The kids played on a slip and slide they recieved for their birthday. Its a number hit, and they seem to really get a good amount of energy out. The youngest also figured out by pouring his large container of bubbles onto the slide has some bubbly after effects....nice....haha kids will be kids. Can't say I haven't done the same thing as a child. And I now know the feeling my father had with a tired smile and shook his head. And sat down to see me splash away at my 'new findings'. I watched them play for a good while. Enjoying the cool breeze that came in along with a few clouds~ so nice to see!
It was nice to recieve an email with a hello sunshine comin your way and wanted to get back in touch in the first sentence~ I was at a loss for a sec....company? Oh the Gods!
I have forgotten it was Litha that my norm was to re gather those far away friends and retouch on the changes that have gone on. And I have not this year. This year was for me, and my family. Just to be and explore all the new territory we are setting our feet into. It is a big changing year for us. So many areas that require my thoughts and emotions. Everything else has really had to take a back seat.
I have noticed, I do usually go about making things happen. I bug folks till it does or blows up. Its almost a trademark on my forehead. If there isn't something happening then I want to go out and make it happen. If folks are talking then I want to get them going....and I have come to many conclusions on why this is over the last year. And rebalanced them.
I think to a point that go get em personality is a good thing. And I refuse to part with it all. But with the folks I do it with has for sure changed....and I am not entirely sure I understand why. Its almost a guessing game sometimes. And I just choose what I think the best decision from the heart should be and run from there. But now its about the bigger picture, and where I am feeling called. Instead of constently making things for my life I took a chance to listen and go. And I am finding I am needed in the Correllian family. Somewhere there is a spot for me to really take hold and produce what best I can within it.
I was shown the utmost courtesy from folks I never met, and will most likely not see for over a year. They had no reason to trust me, or empress me. And that is what has really made an impression to me. They were go getters. I admire their strength. Why sit and wait? Go! Make a life worth remembering when your dying. And I realized, instead of waiting I think I made things to keep myself in a cycle full of folks that really didn't need me...because to realize I was useful somewhere else was a big pill I could not swallow.
I also never thought I could be part of people like this. I also thought I would never amount to much, one of those funny characters you meet in your life and pass back out as quickly and myname is one of those forgotten quickly.
It was nice to be proven wrong. And I really have no more reasons to continue asking for proof. I hate being asked to prove my love for someone on consistent bases. Why should I also ask for proof when I have it here in front of me. My old life no longer suits the needs....make a new one. Rather, step into it. And go from there. There is heart ache in the changes. And of course, I am not perfect and everyone will quickly point that out. But I have strong shoulders. And the ability to not be calloused afterwards.
Time really, to refocus on family. My friends that are family. My family that is also my friends. My new life that awaits me in a new house. And what experiences and happy holidays that will occur there.
When your dealing with someone as pondering and questioning as this~ there is one reply~ I love you. Even if its a bare email, save for the words~ hey I love you and this year will be a great one! It will bless each waking moment from that day forward.
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some things
2007-06-20
Well, as it is. Somethings aren't meant to leave the very electric field of your mind. When you express your thoughts it is unknown how many things it can be focused into.
My group, and my feelings toward it. It was my truely dedicated asst. that I feel didn't support me. And the three others that said they would forever stand and support it. And me. That I feel failed. And in turn, there was nothing in me that said I was doing this for me only. So I followed my heart. And my heart said new beginnings come with closures and new routes.
Ok, when expressed, even to a cyber world it can be all kinds of confused and again you can defend the stance or just swallow it with hey..it could be worse...instead of being mad at me they could be mad at themselves. And who needs that?
So...in thinking at the moment lets go with the latter. It doesn't matter how much you lean over to apply yourself, or lend your ears, shoulders and what have you to others....you can still be the one that is expected to give when you really need someone to recipocate.
Its odd. I really didn't think it would be like this. Not in this smallish town. When I finally felt I needed something bigger, stronger, and more close to nature. I met a community under the Goddess and spent a three day weekend that has forever changed my life. That has brought something out of me I still can't seem to really utter in words that resemble meaning. Just a smile, an inner deep and promising smile. That says there is something so precious out there as truely kind and open people. That have all kinds of flaws you can't even imagin. They are human, and defensive at times. They are full of laughter, and devotion. They are dedicated, and they can loose their tempers. They are prideful, at times stubborn and arrogant. They are appreciative, and are demanding. But.....consistent to eachother, to another soul. To me. Wow...
That was it. And as I came back and looked around it was like a whole other world here. Things and personalities appeared in such a way I had to make sure I wasn't loosing my mind. Was it me that changed? Was it just the time? But I do remember Rev. Terri saying, what changes set forth this day will remain ever consistent and there is no going back. They will unravel, and flow always. Think on this, are you ready?
We were given more than an hour in complete silence with our thoughts on this question alone.
So I have changed, I can feel it. In my skin, the very cells something has shifted and grown differently than before. My eyes see things differently, and my sense react with different input. Not saying better, not saying worse. Its different, and complex....and in this whirlwind...I can really only have faith that in the end it will work out. And its really~ all ok.
My prayers have been for the folks I know I pissed off, or let down. They have been to the universe for the reasoning of the pathways that I felt myself drawn. Of course, the dreams come with broad shoulders. Be strong, stick it out. My Goddess amulets even tell me, somethings in details can be explained and smoothed~ but in the bigger picture cause a wrinkle not worth the suffering. I had always heard this the other way around~ and trying very hard right now...to again trust in that there are others that will also be here when I feel frail or in need of some spiritual guidence.
I am in full assurance, I can always open my email box when I feel another reason to kick myself however. Broad shoulders ey? ya...something like that.
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what if?
2007-06-17
There are many times I question what if~ what if folks actually did what they say they do, and act as they say they act and did what they ought to do. Then of course the reality of this world is so subject to the one seeing it.
I feel I have done my best with what I had, and put forth what I had intended. What I am sad to see is the lack of respect toward me to offer a hand. I guess I suppose I cannot just assume all folks will, and think the same heart as I do. I am going to be straight about it right here and now, the truth is...no one needed me or the group I had anymore. and that is one giant jagged pill to swallow. Not only did they not need me or the group I offered it was not wanted. Or the support would have been there. I need to really realize these things in order to move on.
I have a former foe sitting back and just laughing her butt off at the turnout. It is what she had perdicted a while back. That no one pays attention. I was defensive of my friends....and you know what? She was right.
I hate having to say that. She was right. she is right,....and I am damn happy I didn't bet on it.
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second thoughts
2007-06-13
You know, some thoughts are meant to be delt out...only to be torn apart and reconstituted in a better fashion. Even if that means going against what you had originally said. Its human, and really...its ok.
As long as you say something about it, in acknowledgment and in a learning perspective.
I do miss some friends. And, there are some I have not totally stepped away from. Just long enough to try and see it from their eyes. And upon failing....admit to the failure and do the best you can. Do whats right by you, expect whats right by them.
Gods...how many times do I forget to respect differences? I think I needed some self talk to get to an emotional place to handle the rejection that comes along in life. Its not that they are mean, or cruel or ill hearts....maybe the eyes and ears to hear their beauty has not grown within you. And this encounter, is the seed of which they will grow for the next cycle. The sun rises each morning, and the winds blow ever across the sky. There is always a new tomorrow. And always a way to try.
I am blessed with friends that accept me for who I am, a lover that comforts me in the dark of nights. That I have a faith to stand all doubts. And sons more beautiful than one can imagine. These are things to remember, on days like this. Where I feel its us against the world. And, there is no reason for me to continue with what I am doing nor to try for anyone I care about. I am not saying I will come out in rose petals. But in my actions I have back my self respect toward how I treat my friends. And that....means alot to me. My friends, do expect me to take care of myself. And to not fall into despair and torture befitting a child. And, that is exactly what I intend to fix. I am not a child. I am a friend, a lover, a sister and a damn good heart.
Tell your friends today, you love them. And appreciate them. God knows I could have used that today. You really don't know when your friends need to hear it, sometimes...they don't even know they need to.
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thinking of friendships
2007-06-13
When you find yourself blue....do you wonder why your feeling that way or just what to do to shake it? Are you self diagnosing? Are you quick to point a finger? Should people pay for thier misdeeds? What is payment? What is a grudge?
Well these are questions I recently started to bring my boy. And I continued to say, there is a rare breed of friends that really give more than their hearts can give. And its only possible because love is unmeasureable. It just is. And if you decide to be a fool and believe it, you are a beautifully strong person that will be much loved. And much dispised.
It was a hard conversation. I found myself giving examples, without names. And there are a few I wonder about...friends that is. I still call them that, but really I don't think the title fits from their perspective. One in particular, is lovey and charming. Been friends for a few years, and we forgave eachother but still never reconstructed that communication. I miss her, and her child. But the same foundation that was built was broken in a way I am still swallowing, yet learning to love at a distance. And figured, my absence was the best gift I can give. I am too judgemental to be her close friend. It started to seem like everything I had to say was a "you shouldn't do this, or this isn't a good idea." Or "you should know better than that, and you need to think about this" who the hell needs someone over your shoulder like that?
This friend stands out because I have not figured out how to love her in a way that is beneficial for both her and me. I can't figure it out. I can't mend it back to what it was, nor forget it. I can't seem to swallow the idea of disappearing....but everyday that goes by I look at the phone and remember....NOT to call. What would I say? Nothing I would be happy to hear being said to me.
The other side is, I feel justifide in my thoughtlines, so the act of taking control of this judgement has become too monsterous to tackle right now. And that bothers me. I am still feeling I am right to have been like this....and right to think this or that and continue to say it. But it falls on deaf ears. People won't hear you if they don't want to, nor will they listen to advice unasked for. I know this. It doesn't apply to 100% of folks.....but most of them. Myself included.
Thinking of myself...as I ramble here. There are code words you get to know when you talk with someone you love and respect. Four or five of my friends know, even in the most heated arguement, they call or look me in the eyes and say : Hear me, I love you and I need you to hear what I have to say. You know what....it works. I didn't ask for their advice. But I found the reason.
haha, Sedna found her thoughtlines and thinking! Woot! The thing is, when I call you friend, and I say I love you. I have already asked your opinions and advice without having to ask it. Meaning, I welcome your thoughtlines and your ideas, your counsel and your wisdom. I may need a few moments to digest it. I may even need a reminder, that you are saying it from your heart not your foot. But my friends....have weight. And, when their counsel is given I do try my very best to take it in the light that its because they care for me.
But I will be the first to admit, I meet the standards of a few folks, and below the standards of many folks on this attempt to get what you say taken in and digested with clarity and understanding. Come on, how am I suppose to get it all right the first time??? I found a quoute I love, if you do it right the first time no appreciates how hard it was. Haha, I love it! Its a funny qoute~ not a serious one. But so much like life though.life is a funny thing.
So, as I consider teaching this rough road of friendships to my boy. I started to wonder if I am wrong. Just for an instant....am I wrong to try hard? Then....try again? But looking through the memories I don't think I am. There are a few out there so damn fragil they need someone like you to be there...consistently. And maybe what bothers me most about this one friend that won't leave my mind is I feel I am not being unconditional in my love, and friendship. I am not fulfilling even what I say I believe in. I am finding it hard to follow through, no matter the countless times I have done it before. I know it has alot to do with the nature of our differences. She violated a sister law, never get with or try to get with a taken man. The other part is, I really love the woman she hurt in her pursuits. So I forgave as much as I could. And trying to move on. And finding....both of these woman are doing better without my presence or thoughts. Both of which do not seek my counsel, or my blogs. And they seem to both, be doing better this way. And so, I am trying a new route for me in my life.....admitting to my failure in loving and caring for this sister...and acknowledging my exit sign in these friendships. Its not easy. And I am sure, this wasn't suppose to be easy. When you love, there is no end to it. It just starts to change.
I am having to realize my failings are justifide to those that see them as failings. Regardless of what I think they are. And to ask anything else of them is too controlling for independent minds. And really, you can love them. But keep close those that do not require as much proof of your love to them. But those that can benefit from the brilliance of its light. Trying to point out the stars to someone who can't see them just gets frustrating to them and you. Does it matter whos right and wrong? If you love them enough, you don't want to see them pissed all the time right? So Sedna~ just move it along girl~ guess what, I am not perfect. And damn it, its arrogant to think I ever could be.
wow....lots of social thoughts today....I actually kinda hope no one had to read this far into my blog just to hear me bitch bitch and crunch crunch my emotional thoughts.
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changes can be hard
2007-06-12
My oldest boy is out of Elementary....and why aren't I happy? I am....suppose....excited? no...more like anxious. I love this school he has been in. My son is a system breaker usually. Can't say he did it all on his own I admit to filling his head with a few ideas...but really he does alot on his own. He is smart, in his own ways. And has steam rolled a new path for any book challenged student that will come through there. He didn't lower the standards of school work....instead he made the teachers change how they teach. And really, its about damn time.
The teachers are my heros. No matter how many jobs I will hold in my life, or how many careers I will venture down.....teachers of students hold my number one respect. I cannot have the patience and adaptability to maintain my self five days a week, and be the perky bendable smily teacher of a bunch of kids. Quite frankly, other peoples children rather scare me. And I usually keep my distance.
I went in to help set up, a school needs support you know...so I do try and lend my hands when I can. Never one to be on the parenting boards or nothing....only when I feel I am helpful not bitchy...put me in a box of voting adults on my childs education and I tend to get bitchy. I need to work on that. .....
Although, I called a friend down south to say hello and I miss her. Another that lives out in silverton. And when I was done calling my friends...I realized....I have lost a few as well. And I miss them. From a spot in me that is not hurtful or painful just looked around and said...hmmm and I thought they would be around forever? And they are not. Not a phone call, not an email. And silently we separated into voids. I suppose it was the best thing to happen. For them at least. I can be the most difficult person to deal with at times, so I am told.
The friends I have had for the last four years going on five seem to be able to stick to em.....through arguements and absolute bitch fights. I am comfortable to argue with them. And maybe, lately...that is all I have been really spending efforts into. Where I feel I am given support not just supporting. Where I am comfortable...and where its ok to really be human, and not know it all. No one likes to be told all their bad points all the time. Sure when they are needed....all the time? It wears on you. And you start to consider the source.....and before I harbor ill feelings like I used to....I let it fall silently to the ground and move on.
Some folks have moved back into that area of just people I know. And I am allowing that. I am taking a break from extending myself all the time, and seeing who it is that wants to maintain my friendship as I move out of this city. Gosh....its a hard time for my heart. But a well worth it break at the same time. Even I need someone to be there once in awhile.
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so many avenues
2007-06-10
Wow, I can't believe the worlds I have never stepped into. Those lustful worlds. I thought we had it great before, but nothing could have prepared me for tonight.
I am not one to just slut myself out there. Really I am quite a picky little creature. And a prideful one at that. I don't do things cause you want them...they have to interest me. And sex has to be good and when I am ready for it to happen. But....but my gods....there is a world where men are strong and force is good.
Right now, my scalp is still sore and my skin tender. He was like an animal, not taking any resistence. But how long could I resist when I see that lust in his eyes? I was weakened by the sight, and fell hard....and embraced the new course we were heading into tonight.
We have always been so playful. And, when I want something I usually just go for it. Sometimes I am tired, sore from work. And I enjoy the attention given and pleasure he gives his all to. Tonight, I was surprised to feel the weight of my arms pinned down. The strength he had, and determination. One pause when he started...to make sure it was still ok. Giving this was our first time in this sensitive position. After my approval he moved forward. To an unstoppable explosive night.....I will never look at sex the same again. So many avenues to explore.
Why have I not explored these areas before? What was it in me that always kept to the playful waters of our intimancy? My gods! There is so much more....when men are allowed to show lust, passion and aggression....all at once. And when women, are allowed to be physical creatures of which NO is not an option. Show me your wants, your desires.....make me feel so wanted and desired....a few seconds in and I had all the reinforcement I needed. For damn sure....there are no other women in the world that can replace me. Not for him. I was begging ....ultimately begging...but not for him to stop but to pursue. A kind, quiet man....unleashed.
There was no more beautiful thing...than a man unleashed and pursueing his desire and that prize he sought after being the same woman for the last eight years....
passion never dies.
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mornings and evenings
2007-06-06
It was one of those inspiring days today. The weather was amazing and beautiful. I drove in to work with a golden sun and dark clouds to my back. Then went from warm weather to outright down pour in 20 minutes. I loved it. The beauty of it enchanted me. Rainbows everywhere. And a warm breeze when it rained, cool breeze when it was sunny. Just freakin perfect!
I saw two deer run across the street, most likely heading to the Oregon gardens. That place is pretty big and full of protected greenery. I love being able to see them, and soon, will be able to see them out my back door.
I saw an owl, and it stayed awhile in the wee morning hours. I was surprised to see it when the sun was up~ but figured it was one of those unexpected blessings to see such a beatiful animal. It made the day roll out so much better. I was training a new aide today. She is humorous, and witty. I know she will fit right in. A bit shy at first.....I didn't give up on her, I pulled her out of her quiet stance in under an hour. By breakfast break we were laughing out loud and telling jokes like we have been friends for a long time. But we are full. Our unit was full of lifting patients. And that takes a toll on your back by afternoon. By 1pm we had lifted over 22 times and made 12 beds, and walked six patients. No rest for the weary~ still had to seven pm. Sometimes I hate my 12 hour shifts....but I honestly don't believe in working more than three days a week anymore without overtime pay. I like to be home four days a week. May not be all together.....but frankly....I have a busy life at home. My kids, my hobbies and my hubby.
Not to mention my kitties. They are growing so damn fast. Now crawling often out of there little nook and coming to the sound of our voices. They are starting to eat kitten food from plates and I am working on potty training....for six kittens! Yikes!
Hubby is making a big cat house, once again. He so much loves to be busy with projects. This is a two story cat house with three tunnels and a scratching post covered in carpet. They are going to love it! But I admit, even with the projects he has spoiled me rotten. About now I eat my dinner and ready to bed down for a small leg and back rub. He cuddles with me and watches my favorite discovery documentaries, or maybe a sci fi flick we have seen a million times. Doesn't matter, he just deals with it and plays with my hair.
Its a normal work evening. I am tired, sometimes a bit overtired...and painful. But this weekend marks a four day off weekend for me! woot! I have it all planned as well......nothing....and I mean that. I really didn't plan to go anywhere. Stay at home, have a friend over for dinner. Some candle making with her and play with the kittens and kiddos. Study as usual....but if I accomplish nothing but caring for the kiddos and kittens....then I did my to do list. I love weekends like this and find myself making them more and more. Makes me all ready for hubby to come home from work and he gets a back rub and I get to practice my Reiki on him. I am getting ready to do it more on others. But noticed....I really have to be able to let my heart go out on a strong level. Wrap them in more than a simple "I care for you" type of way. I am also finding it.....relaxing and healing for me as well. I enjoy the sessions, and feel I am finally accomplishing something in my spiritual paths.
The other thing....I smoke less. I am not sure why exactly. Maybe I am finally finding where most of that addition/want/desire is for smoking? I have smoked since I was really young.....I do worry what the future has in store for me. And I am searching for the right support for letting this long term relationship die off. But I know if i force it I replace it with something else....like over sleeping, or over eating, or more television than usual. I also grind my teeth in my sleep even when I don't feel stressed or have bad dreams. My hair falls out more and my blood pressure soars. So with these I have been told its a 'blocked off' addiction. Meaning the connection I have allowed this bridge on through a weakness or dependency is outside of my normal thoughts....not abnormal. But usually treated with medication that 'makes you happy or tranquil' this worries me. I don't want to go this route....but I am starting to consider the cost.
The cost is, lung cancer. Throat cancer. Things that lead to not breathing well, getting sick more often and aging faster. Ok so the last one doesn't bother me but the others are starting to mean more to me. I seem to have developed a sense of fear toward them....which has changed from that....who gives a rats ass attiude I have had for a long time. I think I blocked it off to everyone dies...so live it up. But that isn't what I feel toward smoking anymore. And while analyzing my sugar intake and fats....I feel this nictoine friend I have just isn't worth the costs of a painful death like this. And I am not a stupid smoker....its not 'if' this happens....its merely when it happens. Anyone who thinks differently is fooling themselves.
But the hardest part....is theres no one to talk to. You are automatically below everyone that doesn't smoke. Its not viewed as an addiction, but a weakness that they assume you have all control over. Thats great if you do, but what if you haven't gained that yet? Then like most folks addicted to sweets, or soda pop....you go through moody spells and cravings. And your not allowed withdrawl attitudes, or to say you want a smoke. Your also expected to say your stupid cause you smoked. And I just don't really get it. But I suppose.....I think folks like this are mean, and too high on their horse to consider others views and opinions. Wants and desires are strong things, and some more than others. If your willing to try then I think its a start. I really....have never been willing to try as much as I have wanted to lately. And I think this is a good sign. My family is beautiful I would like to see them grow up. I want a few more decades of gardening, and jogging, hiking and swimming. Right now, I don't have lung damage. Right now, I still hold an oxygen sat. of 99 to 100%.....so it makes sense to quit now. I can still jog, I can still be active and I am active. Loosing weight and all. My hair even seems to be coming back shiny and thick. Been awhile since that has happened.
So bitch bitch bitch I suppose. But hey you blog to get your thoughts out. I just didn't want to bore one of my friends on the phone talking it out.....hmmm I feel better.....and actually will skip my dinner smoke. ;)
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thought
2007-06-03
sometimes, compassion is a silent creature that only shines when eyes are closed and tongues are silent.
....and I should let it be that way and not force everything to change with me.
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a breather
2007-06-01
Its small, its one of those things people scoff at...its huge to me.
After my divorce and finishing highschool I had quite the bills racked and waiting my checks.....there was so many calls till the phone was shut off and I really had to make some drastic changes....and loose a good year or so of my life trying to find my land legs. Now that is quite a different story I don't need to go into. Like most folks they have some hard challenges and I have mine as well.
But that was over 12000 dollars worth of bills. That was also only less than ten years ago. I looked over the bills last week. Reshuffled. Reshuffled again. I peered into old accounts. I couldn't believe my eyes......again I looked today. 2137. Thats my debt. wow. Its all on one credit card at the moment. Used to cover medical expenses when my oldest was diagnosed with a seizure disorder. My insurance didn't cover most of the costs that were really needed. They also, didn't cover the meds that was needed that were over 500 a month. So we used plastic......what the hell else was an option?
So I have nit picked at this card. Paying lump sums when I can. I closed the account three years ago so even when I pay it off I no longer have it as an option. I like credit cards. Awesome emergency loans. But I was aiming for no open credit lines and getting back on top. I have a few small bills that roll in, got a library bill of 21.00. Another dental bill at 57.00. So I suppose those I didn't factor in. They are one time payoffs so I view them differently.
But I stood back in just ultmate wonder....I never thought I would get this far before 30.
There is a good sized wish list, and to do list that totals pretty heavy. With our move coming up this year and the projects there. I am amazed that I am taking it on.
But on the other side..I feel cheered on. You have to really recognize those that cheer you on when you are accomplishing your dreams. I was late on that today. I sent out a few emails, and feeling a bit warm and will go playi n the water....
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