[The Void]
hard days go best with drinks
2007-05-31
hard days go best with drinks :)
Had a friend call me on my last few hours of work today to ask me out. Lets get some drinks hun, or something? Oh I meant what are you doing? Ha ha this is pretty much how I used to ask her out in the last two years of our relationship.
Of course, a seriously rough day at work. Granted I was able to laugh and have fun with it...still my feet ached and my back was soooo done with lifting folks in and out of bed. I was totally looking for relaxing time.
Called home to hubby and said, hey I got a date with a blonde. This is our relationship humor with eachother. So he said sounds great and send pictures. And I was off. We went to a mexican resturant and bar. Our waiter was a honey drop, I so much loved him. A bit of a lisp when he spoke, with a spanish accent and had the walk of a drag Queen. Easily, this would have been an awesome guy to laugh with. My girlfriend, still recovering from her divorce~ is out on the playing field and I so much enjoy watching her.
But something did occur to me, with nothing much in common, our friendship has become a bit more complicated than it has in the years before. But not something I am willing to let spoil this. She is a good person to me....and a major influence. Someone I hold in high respect, and seek her counsel often....very often.
I really really like her. We have been friends for two years....no wait...almost four oh my goodness. And I saw her through her divorce, her dramas and she saw me through mine. We have bonded, divided, and came back together. She is indeed one of those rare females I give a shit load of respect to with her fearless strength and love of life. Back packing through the coasts of Mexico with enough funds for the plane home and food for her daughters. They had a blast. Sent me photos, and told me of all the experiences they had there. She is older than I am, blondish, blue eyes and your perfect hourglass shape. Flatish tummy, round ass and at least a D cup. And to top it off, she is tanned and about five foot two and loves to wear v necks and tight pants with heels. How can anyone, male or female not look??
She is a friend of my husbands as well. Which automatically puts you in close family friends. Someone who likes to visit with both of us and will chat with both of us as well. We helped her move in to her new home, and get set up there. But I feel....I am that friend she will always be able to talk to.....but not one that will join her on her adventures.
While younger than her....and been through my nasty divorce and broken heart years ago....I am in a wonderful family. I have decided to move to a small town, old cottage with wood heat and a well pump. five acres, and a big dog to raise my family and take over the payments so my mother in law can spend her hard earned retirement gardening and making candles. Watching her grandchildren grow up and not worry about being a nurse anymore. Thats my life for the next what....15 years?
No traveling for months, or quitting my job on a leap of faith that something will come around. No back packing through tropical beaches for me. Well...not till I am in my forties.
I sipped my drink, quite strong sea breeze mix actually...and said out of the blue. "Not sure if its jealousy or just burn out....but I feel something is bogging me down tonight" And this is what our friendship beams......she smiled and laughed...."well girl when your kids are teenagers we are heading to the islands with your hubby and running naked drunk as skunks. Its a promise. She seems to have not given into the disinterest in me and my rather simple life I am making for myself.
What the hell did I do to win such a beautiful friend?
We talked of the times she went through when....I hate to admit it....she was the most difficult person I had the discomfort in working with. I had to really take a shit load of time to refocus...and calm down and think through my conversations with her. I had to really want to make it work. I had to really really really want to see our way through this storm. Women like her and I.....go through storms.....and few folks can weather the cruise.
So here we were, at a bar....which I never go to bars. I was getting phone numbers for her, and taking photos of my breast line for her on her cell phone for shits and giggles. We ate some nachos, and then she dropped me off.
Of course, after all....she had a phone call from one of her past dates and if anything~ she deserves a good sex night. I feel very much blessed right now. And this is sooooo much what I needed. Laughter, honesty, tangible hugs and smiles. Someone who wants my breast line on their cell phone...haha. And she is straight~ so that must mean I have a damn good breast line....hahaha
Wow...way too much sea breezes, margaritas and tequilas....friends are awesome.....
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tangible goals.
2007-05-30
Man sleep has been pretty good lately. The dreams are full of passion and curiousity as well. In the first part of one of my dreams I was walking through an old growth forest just to find this purple flower that was suppose to be extinct. I smelt sea water on the breeze and heard birds chirping in the trees. I looked toward the west and there I stood overlooking the ocean. On the cliff were dozens of these purple flowers. I reached over the cliff and fingered one, purple petals, blue center and yellow leaves. I know....odd fantasy flower but hey its my dream~ haha
I took a photo of it but when I set the camera aside to again look at the ocean I wasn't there anymore, but on the ocean. Floating just a few inches above it like a seagull or like ocean breezes. I felt like peter pan flying high and low watching the tides, then finally settling down in a circle of whales. I floated there for quite sometime. Somewhere in the back ground I heard a beep, took me a sec to realize it was my alarm clock and I willed myself with every inch to remain here in the company of these ancestors. I took a dive down to follow them and seemed to have earned myself an extra thirty mintues....and a very very short shower this morning! It was sooooo worth it.
The images so simple nourshed my soul. I felt I was recieving something I needed so badly, the healing of REM sleep. Where ever my mind wanted to go I was fine with....just let me heal myself. And that is what I got.
Work was more tolerable, even with a full floor and new staff to teach. I laughed about all day, even my cheeks hurt now as I am typing. But it was one of those good days....and I am realizing more of the connections on how to make it a truely good day. One that the happiness radiates from your very core. Some of the folks I have gotten to know over the last three weeks are just great folks. They hug me on entering and for the first time in a long time I got to hear the comment: So glad to see you! Ok, sounds horrible....but I miss this. I miss it at work actually. Home life I feel loved and lusted after quite well actually. My partner has been quite the passionate go getter and I am on cloud nine. But work...
Lets see. How can I say this....I have been feeling like I failed at my career because I allowed myself to be burnt out, and because after all this time I still haven't learned to read the doctors handwriting, or lost the thirty pounds I need to in order to lift more properly which for my job this is very important. I still haven't learned russian or spanish, and without my caffiene the 12 hour shift is just impossible to do with a smile and giggle.....which are my trademarks.
So, to be having days like this....and knowing I worked damn hard at them.....just gives me an almost tangible goal attained. and as this also sounds horrible....I need tangible goals once in a while. Not all the time....but once in a while.
tangible, short term, attainable, recognizable, acknowledged goals......now.....I honestly think there is nothing wrong with that.....once in awhile.
haha
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blessings
2007-05-27
I think its true, you shouldn't have to try so hard. Shouldn'ts however don't hold law abiding powers. Just state what the feeling is.
Life has been pretty consistent lately, and I am happy where I am at my age. I am not however happy with my social circle. I miss the laughing that used to be present and the nights out to coffee. I find them in Lebanon when I go to visit. I find them in a few folks that have the time to stop and enjoy my company. I have been thinking about that alot. How many times do I actually get out to dinner? Out to coffee? Well...how many times do I throw that offer out there?
I asked a dear friend for a cleansing ceremony. She just smiled and said about damn time. Things have been heavy on my soul and my heart and I couldn't see clearly under the black pieces of soot collected there. I felt so much lighter when she first began. Filling me with her energy and exploring the parts of me I didn't even know were blocked off. She had some compliments for me which was awesome, and some recomendations....not surprising. Recomendations is a secret way of saying fix this for her. She loves me. And I can see that.
We talked of the last few weeks, the changes taking place. Its amazing, no matter how much you are warned it doesn't really settle in till you experience it anyhow. It doesn't matter how much you love either~ its all in perception. Wow. I had never heard her say this. She had always spoken of love in such an urgent matter that I had taken her accounts down as gospel.
I was lost in that thought. Doesn't matter? What do you mean doesn't matter? Matter...solidified....fact and real. Doesn't matter.....she continued to explain in that 'do you actually question me look' I immediately knew I had jumped to conclusions. There is a reason for everything she said sometimes it was a puzzle I had to unlock. That was the price for getting help. You had to learn, and you had to grow. I never thought of it being such a small fee she constantly pushes me to grow more. And I had finally had to ask her why?
Because not everyone is out to hurt you, and because your not important enough to fix everything. There is a loop for that and your a small particle of it. Ouch...that hurt. But why did it hurt? Did I really think I was that important? Well I guess...perspectives....in a way I must have if it hurt. I think people, the human race is awesome. In our differences of opinion and thinking. In our spiritual manner and our ability to make so many choices outside of life and death.
As she went through the final cleansing she called on my ancestors. And it felt wonderful just being able to share this with her. The only time she calls them is with me. And she gave them an offering of fish and deer fat. I was at a loss for words. Just overcome with emotion and closure.
When I think the world has turned on me, she can relite my eyes to see the bigger picture. And put back into perspective what is important. And with a gentle way she fills me with a love I have never felt outside of our relationship. Then she turned to her ancestors and asked for one in particular to watch over me, I felt this was such an honor I had no idea what to give in exchange. She sat there, custom of course...and I called my whales. The record keepers.
I asked that she was named a seal lion spirit. And being as such she can commune with the water spirits my ancestors held in high respect. Tying her not only to my clan but to a vein of knowledge I am too small to tap into. I need you I said. We need you.
At home I am building an area for my watcher spirit. I have never really paid my respects to an anglo altar. Except for my family altar, which includes the Norse and Germanic and Jewish.
Some say this is the foolish parts of spiritual independence. When you stop following a Priest and start thinking on your own. I find it most powerful when you let your heart guide you, and stop paying attention to the number of followers and go for what is right...despite the popularity.
Here in the end, I had a great night, and grown in my studies of my guardian and my soon to be husbands family ancestory. I am starting to understand the need of bridges. From one culture to another, to one blood line and another. When we take in the powerful love and respect of ones family and blend it with another. The sacred marriage of clans and tribes....its amazing of what changes afterwards. The Networking project.
I hadn't taken part in it for years. So stubborn to my own line. So ignorant to humanity as a species. I still saw race as a dividing aspect. And where I held this belief is unknown to me. But I needed to see it this time, and mend it. And there were a few folks I had to send love to. I felt I finally had the ability to do so. In return, I got a restful night, and I am sure good days to come.
Spirituality is an independent choice to a point, but there is always a drum beat that calls us all to dance.
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ideas
2007-05-25
I have come to understand that there is something grand about some folks that will never been seen in the light of day. You know it, you feel it and it really wish you can shine up that pearl and say hey look damn it~ but you can't.
Been doing alot of studying the past while. Slipped on writings. I found a book on social culture. Quite interesting actually. How much I want to go to college, I find my want to see my family over the next few years more so. So when I go out shopping I tend to pick up text books....and self read as much as I can. While I have a small collection of spiritual books, I also have a section of Anatomy, social justice, American history, Alegbra and biology. Maybe there is just a crave for knowledge in some folks. I read on the planets as much as I can. And try my best with math, even though I have no talent for numbers. They are more cyptic to me almost like someone looking at german for the first time~ they don't make sense. But over time I am sure they will ring value and settle into my memory banks a bit more.
My grandparents were self educated much of their lives. Proved to be valuable, my father never having been to college as well, proved to be an at home reader....and turned out smart and well balanced. I can only hope the same will cure the thirst in me for more and more knowledge.
Sometimes I wish I could be as logical minded as my love. He has a talent for numbers, they are concrete he says. They make sense and are duplicated. There are rules and laws that govern mathmatics....and I suppose that is where I cannot follow just yet. I think, in a few years I will try and send him to school. He has an interst in nanotech. I think it will be a passion for him.
Me on the other hand. I am thinking water management. Not as grand, but seems to be an area I am drawn back to all the time. All my other interests do not equate to money earning~ healing, massage and spiritual teachings. Water management however....we can do a damn better job than what we are doing. And may as well step up and be part of the solution on it.
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life is entertaining
2007-05-17
Alarm clock, long drive, 12 hours of work, chit chat, chart and long drive home. Dinner, computer and kids. Thats a normal work day for me. And I finally looked up and said for some damn reason I enjoy it.
Its amazing what kind of roller coaster your emotions can do for you when you let them, or will them. I willed myself into loving today. It took every breath in me to do it. It took only a thought to fall into a sort of emotional pain for a dear friend i have upset. And I never meant to.
Sometimes, I find myself upset not only at the situation, but at the reason I don't understand the situation....that leaves an uncomfortable acknowledgement of that I had not seen or heard something of value. Someone once said Stupidity should hurt....you know what it does. And in the most unbenefical way possible. It comes across in the heart when you let someone down. In the mind when you second guess yourself at who you think you are. In your body when you miss their touch. You can feel it all over, just in different more detailed messages but its all there. When you stand back and view it in a big picture. Just more like a tree would be, the effects being the root system.
Theres alot of talk of moving on in my social group as of late. Someones moving to another state for school. Someone else for easier land prices. Another for a new job. And another just for shits and giggles. I feel somewhere these were the folks who would have stayed the longest....in no matter what I failed in. In their eyes, in my eyes, in the worlds eyes. They had always been there to say hey whats new~ or notice when I wasn't around or hadn't said much that day. Granted, we had nothing else in common, not a whole heck of alot in common actually~ different crafts, different lifestyles and totally different age groups. They remember the seventies as teenagers and I was born in 1979.....haha
But the strange thing is, the social group I live the closest to, is the most silent. And really no matter what I do I am a walking bomb. Ready to say the wrong thing, or make the wrong presentation of my ideas. Its a for sure thing, I will end up pissing off someone and not always sure how to mend it. Never worrying about someone elses opinion leaves a whole lot of empty hearts I have always thought. So I try to make it work, but to what extent? To the extent that I really feel I have no physical hug close by besides my family. And that bold sentence that says that is perfect, unblemished....self pity talk. And I hate that.
I was talking to a co worker after todays shift. she mentioned me not saying much these days...and I smiled....not even bad things ey? And she said no...not much at all besides the kids. I was actually pretty happy with myself. I don't have big things to complain about, a few little things, a few annoying things, and of course those self pity things~ people are out to hurt me and no one likes me...which in the end I will of course suck back into my mouth as untrue..I know they aren't true...then end with a smiling watching myself go through all these damn stages of being 28, a family of kids and hubby, bills and an unknowing future. Gods....I guess its true. If God is watching, lets at least be entertaining!
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work eval.
2007-05-16
You can't be in two places at once. You can't do everything for everyone. You can't take on all the duties that were designed for the whole.
I had my work evaluation today. I was hired May 1st, so last week I let her know I was late on my yearly. I was orginally thinking, I am sooo getting fired. So stop side stepping the whole thing. Swallow your guts and walk right up to her and say it! : Boss, I am due for my eval....can we schedule something this coming week? She smiled and did so....now that was today.
I walked in like it was nothing. I got nothing to loose I kept telling myself....I have Cna skills from years of practice...and I am still young with no body damage or liablities. I have a flawless saif claim record. And go above and beyond my duties often. What did she have to say?
Good job. And, that written in the bottom was her saying I was a good employee, and take my job seriously but a bit too seriously and I need to learn to say no. I recalled in that instance all the different ways she tried to tell me~ as to all the statements in the beginning of this blog posting.
I need to start saying NO. hmmm over achiever? Me? The procastinating twit oh forgets things so damn often these days? Who had an emotional meltdown not too long ago and didn't get out of bed or eat for 48 hours? That dragged herself into the docs office because I wasn't sleeping the but for every 3 days about....and hallucianating at that when I finally crashed.
I accepted the well written evaluation. And made my own copy of it for my own files. I was proud of myself. Through all this shit she never saw it. And all I displayed at work was the loss of a few pounds she said and a bit more sorrowful facial expressions.
Later, I cracked open with all that had happened lately. Now that its over seems easier to talk about. She was wide eyed. And really, didn't notice that I actually had some issues like this. But, I reminded her, I took care of them~ so its not like a whine feel bad for me thing. I just thought you ought to know and reason for the change in my personality as of late, and your a good friend these last few months we have worked together. I feel I needed to talk to someone, and all my friends are busy with their own lives.
She laughed, again, taking on the responsibility....is that all your worried about?? I laughed. No one, I mean no one~ thinks I am a responsible individual. And barely anyone thinks I can handle life or would trust me with a potato gun. We shared a few more laughs. It was good to have this sort of support. Even from someone I don't know as well, but seems genuinely interested in me.
She said she was proud of the way I handled work and all this crap. And that I am doing exactly what she would expect me to. Ask for help, fix the problem, then take new steps afterwards. Talk to someone even if I think no one is available. I still tried.
See this is why I am taken by this conversation. She had concrete things to say, and made me feel good inside. And I knew I got a good evaluation, along with a raise. Wow.
Life is good at times, just gotta fix the perception that I am looking at it I guess.
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creating paradise
2007-05-14
My dream,
A beautiful oak tree that shaded a green hill just to the south. A waterfall to the west and a sun rising in the east. I stand with my back to the north and feel the wind strong and a bit chilly.
I have created this place, years ago in dream studies. A safe place, away from night terrors that gripped me years ago as a child. This place, was a sacred one, and I planned to make it more physical in the years to come.
I hear the kids playing in the back ground, but nothing else. I see the birds, but do not hear them. I see the grasses blowing in the wind, but I hear nothing. I notice, I am transparent in this area. Just a floating mist, with no matter at all.
I wake up with the echoing of the kids playing, and the smell of the breeze. I go down to my mother in laws land, which will soon be mine as well. And say hello to the oak trees, and the strong wind from the north. Ma talks about putting in a water feature, and I smile, I can hear the birds now....they all of a sudden get louder and louder singing and talking to eachother. I can hear the breeze through the reeds by her pond. And I smile and point toward the west~ over there~ we should put one over there. And she said those precious little words: that is what I was thinking yesturday.
I feel it was a good dream. I feel it was something I can finally look forward to settling down roots in. I wasn't sure of how I was to come into the ownership of land. Not this way~ someone not able to pay for their bills anymore...but hey...we should take care of our elders. It helps me out as well and I love being close to a woman with so much wisdom to offer.
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thank you sarah
2007-05-13
I find myself at a point in time where things are just peaceful. And I am not sure what to do with myself with it. I feel more like my old self. Sure the bills the there, the kids are being...well boys. And work is work and my friends will always have issues I cannot control. But instead of the overwhelming ownership of those I used to feel I sense a part of me quietly says it will be ok. I miss this part of me. I couldn't find that locking piece that allowed it to come again.
Like most moms I thought that piece was conquering it all. To find this stillness meant to actually do it all. I was actually one of those moms. And I lost myself in it. I have reached out for more things, feeling more sure of myself to handle it. And it feels good. It feels good to say yes I can do this, instead I will try my best. I got an email from a friend, inside she simply stated: Its ok to fail, You are still in the game. Don't build yourself a stone necklace.
Her name is Sarah. She is in alaska and someone I think about almost everyday. That stone necklace I had once talked to her about. Those things we argue to carry. Argue for your limitations and they are yours. Argue for your hardships and you can have them. I had gotten to the point that if I failed, others would look down on me. And why should they? My friends never will. And I forgot that. They will rejoice when I rejoice, they will help me when I ask them too and will never part when I need them most. Sometimes I may have made the friendship bar too high for others to make. In turn made myself a void. And sat wondering....where is everyone? I am still in the game, I still have a shot at wonderful things, I am still living and learning. I will not build myself a stone necklace to carry.
I think, I needed someone to say that to me. To remind me. I am so busy reminding people of my love for them. My acceptance of them. I didn't know how to read words that said the same things back. And I am human. I need to hear I love you. And that is exactly what she did. She heard my cry over thousands of miles away. Thank you sarah.
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finally
2007-05-10
There is a feeling that comes out of the depths of your heart. And I thought I had grown hardened...to rough to feel it. Only when we shed our outer layers can we feel it though~ and I had to do just that. I had to pry open every scab, wound, and toughened article over my heart and soul. It has taken me three times longer than most folks I do believe. But I am hanging in there.
I feel inside I can move forward when part of me was at a standstill. Still angry....saddened and disappointed in another. I was also questioning the amount of love and strength I can have when I feel this way too. I was disappointed in myself at the outcome.
Today is a new day. Tonight will be a new night. And for all the love I have for those in my life I cannot fail into utter hatred or disapproval forever. It serves no purpose other than self perservation...and really...that is handled by the Goddess. I have no need for armor...never have. Why did I surround myself with it? Even invisible armor like limitations on love? Limitations on trust? Why when I can have the freedom of loving and giving?
I have had to look at so many things in my heart of hearts. And been rather disappointed with several aspects I saw in there. Its hard, and you start to wonder why and if anyone loves you at all. If they can see these things? Can they truely love you? Or are they just liking what they see so far? In the end, honestly, I feel I need to fight my own demons if I am not a loving creature and stop spending so much damn time out wondering what others are fighting.
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dreams
2007-05-08
Its amazing what lust does for my health. Its a healthy addiction I do swear and honestly believe. I can see it now...old and grey...and still lickin my lips when he comes near. Just his scent draws me close, and when I think I do not have the energy...it comes out of nowhere. Or...to be honest...I play too tired to get the full Goddess attention he is always willing to provide. Then in turn...I do the same.
I am not sure why we end up in relationships like this. Where we are so intertwined with eachother that we separate out others to keep these things 'just ours'. I have thought some time on another soul with us. To make something already special...differently special. but of course I shy away and keep what I have.....well mine.
My mind has been crazy lately. Returning thoughts on a dream I had not long ago. Tall towers, and singing animals on them. Rather inviting and a lovely tune. A waterway passes through the towers and in the middle is a small island with a tree that blooms when I approach. The flowers are delicate at first glance, but when you get close enough you realize they are like magnolias. But when touched they bleed.
It is usually then I turn around to see who saw this, and what I thought was towers are windows now. And I see clouds approaching. Instead of lightening it is tornados. And not land but hazy gasy colors. Then I wake up sweating and nauseated.
dreams...who needs em..
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well small thoughts
2007-05-07
Here and there again It comes. That thought, that idea that there is more to this than what meets the eye. You. You in your very skin worries me at times. And I question the air around me, the walls of reality. Is it real? Is it an It?
This sort of anxiety has never been disabling, but something that has harbored inside of my heart for several years. Comes out of nowhere and resides in my thoughts. There was a time when the pretty little pills used to help cut out these thoughts. I more think it was not caring about an answer than finding one~ I look down now and see some sleeping meds. Pretty yellows, smallish....and I am having to rethink the reasons of why I take them.
I want to sleep sometimes. I really do. But on the other hand....there are somethings that only come in the depths of the night and I must think them through. I get told I am a well person. Some think I am so close to normal that I can't possibily have anything to complain about....and for the Gods....I have no fuckin idea what that means. I am not chemically unbalanced. I am not ill. I am generally healthy but I think I have too much of a curious mind that gets away from me sometimes. And quite the bit of 'to dos' on my plate.
So after years of being pill free....I asked the doc for something to help me chill. The pills make me drowsy at first, then almost impossible to do much after a few hours. But there is still something in me that detests looking at my backpack and seeing a medication bottle. Why alter what does not hurt me? Is it hurting me? If I didn't have a family responsibility I think I wouldn't have asked for them. But after going through 48 hour awake cycles I felt I wasn't fulfilling my first duty....mom. But I still find myself re explaining on why I do what I did...why I take these pretty yellows. So somewhere....I am uncomfortable. Somewhere...I am worried I depend on the drugs.
Small worry...for some. But for a person that detests medication and flimsy excuses for not being well its terrible. Damn it I work to be healthy, and I am young. Why take pills? I find...I am starting to like them. I think I will return them this week. I am addicted to caffiene, nicotine...god knows whatelse I can get addicted to. See...the damn anxiety of worry....hmmm
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the coast
2007-05-05
The waves, the chill the revival. Its Mothers sacred waters uncontrolled and at their most beautiful moments. The Coast has always held a mystery to me that no matter how hard I try I cannot explain.
Granted, I have only felt this way about the Oregon, Washington and Alaskan coastlines. I didn't do well in the California coast, and have never traveled east of the rockies to experience it out there.
The kids played, of course my oldest was in up to his shoulders before I could get my camera out. He is a water baby, always has been. We tossed back our old shell collection, and other rocks from the house. Its a tradition we started even before I really thought about it. Toss out the old, bring in the new. Speak to God right now, Shes right there~ calling us. My son never needed any other explaination. He smiled brightly, hurled a few shells back. Back to you! He yelled. Then came back for another shell. My daughter, rather step daughter....but that sounds so cold. I love her as my own. She is almost a teenager. I realized....I didn't instruct her in this family tradition. After a few moments I called her over to talk about it, in her hand went and out came a few shells and stones. She starred at the water for quite sometime afterwards....I wondered if there was more there than meets the eye.
I remember being a teenager....just like the ocean many waves under those eyes of hers I could see. I went and explained how the ocean can be the place of mystery revealed. Where we could ask the questions that we needed to, and show the hurts that need mended. After a few breaths, she took a large stone, hurled it out and watched it tip a wave. Then exhaled. I felt my duty was done. And gave her a hug.
We played awhile, jumping the waves. Feeling long gone in our feet and red like lobsters. It was time to collect the sea waters for home. I gathered the vials and started collecting. She wanted to help. I didn't realize.....how much I wanted to teach her these little things nor how much she was interested. I didn't prepare myself for the feelings that flowed over me as I showed her the way I was guided to years ago...actually close to her age. The little details of when and where to collect the water. What to think while doing it, what to say what to look for. Until it was done right....and she held the clear glass out for the cork and it glistened in the setting sun. And I almost cried with the emotions. I felt more blessed at the moment than I have since Lustration.
I sent her out to dress. It was cold after all~ not too many folks can swim the pacific in May. I invoked the West and said my prayers. And the sun shown brightly.
The oceans mysteries to me are so fantastic. So full of symbology, and if you choose to believe in it....it can really change your life. Some say the waves wash away time, eroding it away till your an old lady. Mostly I suppose for me it stops it dead in its tracks. Nothing exists but Her glory, Her spirit as it caresses the land. The way a woman caresses her lover. Each lap of the waves, each rush and rise. I can see that everything in nature is truely divine, and lovely in its ebb and flow..
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A rich life
2007-05-02
Beltane blessings!
Its been quite the winter, and I can't explain the excitement on the final shrug off of the dormancy! Things have unraveled in quite the display...and I am finding more and more of myself along the way. Its amazing...when we pray for the truth and light of it all. When we finally settle down and say...help me I can't see at all. Things pop out that normally never did. And you feel so much deeper, and sense things with a confidence that I never thought a person was allowed to feel. I called myself arrogant the other day...but honestly. I think I just took some time to be proud of me. I have many the critics in my life. I have tons...literally 90 percent or more of the folks in my life can be my critics if I ask or not.....why the hell do I have to support it all the time?
Take faith in that I know my faults. For a little freakin minute. Take a moment to realize...I do look in the mirror. Quite often actually. I do know inside alot of things about myself. And when they are pointed out, it shows me what your really seeking. What is put forth is brightened up and said, even with the words chosen....words can be misleading. I took a dose of that this spring. And put alot of faith in a few steps forward, and looked around at the company still around. Its amazing what the difference is.
As for home, we did a beautiful Beltane ritual together. Its amazing what hubby can do when he settles down to study. I am proud he took on the study courses. And that I can share this part of life with him. We are so close in many other ways. We are alot alike as well. When you mix that with spirituality...man...the rest of my life can be falling apart but I do not regret the choice I made in this man.
The bills will be hard, for awhile. The kids will give us headaches, for awhile. And things won't be handed out to us, they never really have before so I suppose our expectations are already prepared. But that hasn't seemed to matter as much and my father knew why. You can be poor and happy. You can be so happy you forget your poor. Then there comes a time when others say you settled....and you smile lightly and say....I see where your coming from....but no actually I am happy. Whats your problem?
My father told me that years ago. And I can't believe I remember it still. I think because, my father like his father....knew alot about love and life, spirituality and inner happiness. My grandfather was on the reservations for quite sometime. Before heading off alone while still a minor to create something more for his life. While a drunk, he managed to make something of himself, and keep his beautiful wife happy. By the time I was born, I never saw him drink. And didn't know of his past till he was dead. So my memories, are full of laughter. They are full of this wonderful man, that talked of ravens and crows. Of dancing and mountains. Of working with wood and playing pool. He walked on crutches, and spoke quietly. His hair remained naturally solid black even the day he died...in his 80's. My mother lived in a small village till highschool age then was sent to boarding school thousands of miles away. From her side I have another family line that is rich in stories and smiles as well. Sometimes I am amazed at my heritage. Just two generations ago we had education levels of 3rd and 4th grades max. But the wealth of love is precious. And that saw me through the years all this time.
I marvel at what I accomplished sometimes, then turn around and criticize what I could have done by now. I am sure its quite human to do so. But the extremes are starting to get to me. And find I need to find more of a balance...something to hold onto like I did as a child. My parents and grandparents gave that too me I just forgot. I am rich in love and heritage. And had a loving and spiritual family line. Money was something that was acquired for basics, but life....a good life....money meant nothing to attain that. I forget that often. More often than I should. I have had hard bouts in my young life, working hard with yucky memories of it. To get on my feet and take care of the kids. But at least I am thankful, I knew when to stop and remember to live....before it got too late. I didn't want to miss my 20's , and I for sure don't want to miss my 30's. I heard the hormone changes are wonderful...haha.
I am trying to put forth my thankfulness this time of year. What I am greatful for, and what I have to be proud of. Its hard sometimes, and other times comes off like an arrogant ass. But its good for me...to do both. Learn the difference of perspective. I am proud of my kids. Of my family. That I haven't missed their growing up. That I haven't wasted my life for a job, or continued on in a college class that I would have hated. I am glad I am not all about money, that I can see the more beautiful things out side of it. Although, I am glad I am at least a tad uncomfortable to try ever onward...at a pace that I can still stop and smell the roses. I don't think I stop often enough to realize, I haven't failed my family. But kept that precious treasure of love, warmth, spirituality, tradition alive....and those are things money can't buy. Give it a few days...I am sure I will come down hard on myself for a bit. But I can re read this and come back to the remembrance, I have a very rich life.
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