[The Void]
afterthoughts
2007-09-24
Its a grand world, this place is. When your life seems to dump you off into a ditch you find the answer just a few paces away if you look.
The last few days have been hard for me. I do try overly hard sometimes to please my friends. They become family, and I love them. The more I find about them~ mind you the good and bad~ the closer I feel. Even in a abusive relationship I maintained this quality. However, had no idea how to use it. Sometimes, the best way to use it is to step back knowing you love them. And that to love the best is to let them be. Take the blame, and smile. Its all uphill for them. And that is quite ok. Because...you still love them. Like an unruly teenager. Except~ its time to let them go.
This time however it was a bit different than that example. And, when I couldn't see that I had to jump from the flaming ship I was pushed off. Thank you for that, and till this morning I had thought still I had made the wrong decision.
But all things take some different viewpoints to look at. All things, take time to make it through my heart. And thankfully, love overpowers all. And before I succumbed to anger entirely.....I wept. The love I feel for people in my life is strong. And as I watched the sun rise I knew this is the way I am built, but most importantly, it is the path I have chosen to maintain and just did another leap on maintaining it. I did not hold onto grudges. Not even a whole day. Just allowed the hurt to pass through, noticed, then mended. Nothing can destroy spirit.
I believe there is a huge amount of strength in forgiveness, and more character than can be imagined when it is given truely from the heart. I chewed over the details on my long drive to work. Watching the birds and deer for hints on my thoughts. They seemed quite interested in my little car. I felt urgency from all their eyes. Am I to grow cold? I see tons of folks do it. Am I to be afraid? Why? Wasn't afraid before.
My life has seemed to pan out like it was dreamed of. I have a beautiful piece of property that responds to me. I am meeting new folks with kind faces. And when I think about it, I have usually had that sort of life. Friendly faces. It unfortunetly was a lesson for me to learn not to long ago that I make myself feel lonely when there was no reason to feel that way. I had folks all around me that loved me. And I just didn't see it. When I started to, I felt I had grown just half an inch. And maintained that feeling still.
Why is it I can just be myself and meet kind folks? Maybe, this is who I am. I have all kinds of faults, some are just accepting of the challenge of helping me become a better person. Some....aren't afraid. Then again some are. And what do you do besides love WHO they are, and have faith in God.
Kat my dear, I love you. For all your faults, and for all the headaches. Inside there is a beautiful person that I will never get to know. And I am ok with that. Grudges, no. A few tears, yes. But I can live with that. And I know in my heart, you will live a better life without me. And I will have to become ok with that. But hey, we all have our own 'to do list'.
May Deity forever shine and speak to me, as the wind has blown your arms across me. And when the woods whisper their souls may you find the beauty and solace within the cycle of nature. When we find our nook in this place, everything makes a bit more sense. In time, even when we think we failed, we passed yet another test depending on how you deal with it. I send kisses, amazingly enough...that is what I am recieving as well. Maybe....just maybe there is something in that cycle.
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
some people
2007-09-22
Well I tell ya what, there is nothing like a good lesson in stupidity. I was stupid really to keep trying, and depend on others have an ounce of responsibility or head on their shoulders instead of shoved up their ass.
When it turns out your kicking your own ass to make someone else happy~ wise up. I don't know why I didn't figure it out sooner. No this little heart of mine~ I tell ya. I follow it religiously, and at times I have no idea where it is getting me. And when I am crushed I still seem to pick back up and go at it again. I recommend this life, I really do. But its not for the fragil.
I recognize when I start to grow cold. And right now I can feel its icey hands on my back. Validating how I can be disappointed and pissed off~ and really....some people are not worth the chip on your shoulder. I am proud of trying, and proud I stayed true to my heart~ I kept trying.
It is a wise saying: We often preach what we need to learn the most. When I take that and look back, every fuckin thing makes sense.
Thank you for a kick out of the door, I doubt I would have figured out the fire soon enough on my own, and failed myself in being lovable, resilent, and forgiving.
Compassion, is in short supply. Unfortunetly it walks hand in hand with a heart and mind. Which are in even shorter supply. Oh the Gods...some people should be left as hermits.
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
letting go
2007-09-14
Todays sun was greeted with my watching eyes. Tired eyes. In this short amount of time I feel I have changed incredibly to the point of even changing my own name. Letting go is something I have done before, on purpose...and made reasons and points for my brain to take it all in. Made movements within my heart to meet closure and contentment with it all.
I know enough it isn't a one sentence wonder. Not one night of change. Not even a week of thought. Its something that slowly seeps in, then you allow it to win. My brain picked through the what ifs. It bit through the possibilities. Then the act of release....and letting fate take hold. Then bargining...for a sign or a notion of what to do next...then asking directly for anything that resembles a hint. Finally, silence. My own thoughts prevailed and closed my throat.
For the last while I have told myself to breathe, eat my meals and do my chores. Work when I am scheduled and take care of the kids. Focus on these things, breathe, tonight sleep. Then morning rise. That is as far into the future as I could grasp. Morning I will rise.
Then after many mornings have past...I witnessed the revelation of it all. And I feel disconnected to the whole of the former issues. Like that person died, in some way or maybe just disappeared. The parts I have left were those of aspirations, and earned talent. Nothing really of a born with character. And that is the part that bothers me. When I look inside and see my special gift was just love, something feels incomplete. I am not in love with my life. My outside life. When I find peace inside, I do not see it on the outside, nor do I provoke it in others. This area needs mending. Guidence, and what more perfect teachers than the quiet wilderness?
I think my nature walks need doubling. And yard work chores as well.
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
country roads
2007-09-12
Updates, wow
Lets see my half an hour driving is now a beautiful yet tiring hour drive. I have always marveled at my little valley here, the trees the wildlife...but you see so much more on those back country roads. The route I take has little traffic, and some huge hills that will be very dangerous this winter so still finding an alternate route. But man they are fun! Let go of the petals and coast you hit 85 in a few seconds. I only did it twice, but it was sooo worth it. I am mostly afraid of hitting deer that often cross these roads. I did get to see a few on the old covered bridge. What a sight.
I wake at four in the morning now, and slowly muster the muscles to move. So much work out here I feel rather stiff most mornings. We haven't lit the wood stove yet and without electric heat you can feel the difference. Each day there is a duty to be had, chopping oak, harvesting veggies, cutting back the blackberries, digging a trench, moving the hundred pound red hot poker weed! haha that is a feat to be had. But I couldn't part with the beautiful bush so we had to move it.
I have kept in contact with a few folks, they often send an email to say whats new or how are you coping? I don't show it.....but I love it. I have sent out so many emails to say whats up and not really gotten alot in return that the few that have returned mean alot to me. This area of my life has turned upside down in the last few months and a few have seemed to be aware of the tides. I think it takes a keen mind and inner connection to really pick up on it. Sometimes I notice its the way I talk. Alls well here, and I finish to the ending part of my dialouge with all the good things everyone else is doing...not mentioning much of me. I was called on this habit, and really had nothing good to say. My cheeks were red and I was rather embarrassed. Well, I could be coping better..but Goddess have it...I ain't. The air is different, the people as well. And with all the inner changes I have outside ones to match. Sometimes I have to tell myself tomorrow doesn't exist, just to breathe a solid breath for the moment...and not be overwhelmed.
Its not a bad change, although reading this it certainly sounds like it! It feels good, just really really freakin hard. Spiritually, emotionally and physically.
I have my friend kyle coming down this weekend. I am so excited. This will be his second trip out and we will further discuss octobers get together. He has friends in this area that want to come over and celebrate the moons and holidays sometime. I am flattered he thinks the work we have done here is worth showing off. hehe proud is a good feeling.....
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
new beginings
2007-09-10
Well its been a rough few days in alot of ways. My mama kiddi delivered, but losing one at birth. I stayed up with her most of the night and she seemed to need the help. She kept laying the little ones in the crook of my arm as she walked the paces of the room. Growling once in a while for the next one. When he finally came he didn't make it. She still seems to keep a connection with me on a mothering level....but very much my husbands cat. She delighted in snuggling with him again after all the birthing was through and cleaned up. Its amazing how much he has connected with her, giving he is a 'mans man' but not with his kitty.
The three little ones that made it this far as cute as buttons, stripes of black and dark brown with a hint of orange as well in the tuffs above their shoulders. Still have closed eyes, but that is ok, I can still wait for them to be under my feet. I have enough critters under foot at the moment.
Spent yesturday and today digging a trench to run the new electrical lines through to the mobil area. It wouldn't be so hard save there was a few years ago~ this flatish rock laid for the drive way. Some pieces are three inches thick and over two feet long, others an inch thick and only a few inches long. But man...hard to dig through. We made it a foot down to where the rock stopped and some good ol oregon clay started. The goal is four feet.....not bad though for hand digging this whole line.
Still getting a good supply of yellow squash and tamatillos. I look forward to next years produce as well. Bringing some of the habeneros to work...I really don't like spicy foods so really they don't have a good purpose here. But my husband likes to have a few around. And the plant is very pretty.
Still mapping out a few areas for possibilities of the kids fort. And where I want to build a meditation area with standing altars for incense and a few candles. I think some of the shail or flat rock will help in building these. I wanted little opening shelves for the candles to help with the wind resistence. I have also found a few recipes for changing the colors of a candle flame....sounds like some candle fun will be this winters past time.
We still have several huge rounds of oak to split. Not exactly my favorite thing to do. I don't have the back for it. But I am sure after a few years I will have gained the muscle and skill for it. And how to work the wood stove as well. I am learning to live with the well pump and its little quirks, and how the lines run. Gives me some new ideas on the future greenhouse my mother in law would like in the back of the property. All my thoughts toward the very back end will have to wait till nextyear. This year I am really focusing on getting the new house set in place and hooked up to the electic and well pumps. Still strange not to have all my furnishings around, but at least its comfortable here. And I have my computer. If its too boring inside I got work to do outside, never a moment to loose or never a moment to have 'nothing to do'. So I guess the month is flying super fast still.
My sons school has a sheep farm right across the street. And its only market next door. And several small houses that make up the community. Talk about small. He is quite the minority there, but settling in well thus far. Most kids he said just look at him alot. And marvel at his thick hair. A few are brave enough to ask questions~ does he tan at all? Does his skin feel the same as paler skins? Does he sweat more than the other kids? Why is his dad white and he so dark? You know kids are just down right open to say whatever they like, and I have found I cannot stop this.
At least he knows where he comes from, and he has a good head on his shoulders about his heritage.
The rest is up to mother earth.
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
my own battles
2007-09-04
The Ace of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in initiation. I am a winner by virtue of my desire, belief, vision, and intention. I bring fresh inspiration into the world and am "master of my domain." My solution is found in creative transformation and I am empowered by my spark of life.
Today was an exciting day. My oldest sons first day of school~ who knew they had schools right across the street from sheep these days? I got an email from a new soul I got to meet. He liked my ideas on spirituality and universalist community. He was facinated by the conversation we had in just a small amount of time. He wanted a gathering. The G word....hmm I throw private gatherings now hun, but I am so tickled you think I could do it. I think you should it. It will be fun~ to this he quieted down. I was floored...after awhile he pinpointed things in me that I think I needed to hear. And even though I said NO was my final answer....they admittably sit with me right here today.
I question what I will do next. What will I take on as a challenge....I mean....not all folks are like others. When you have ambitious loving people its awesome...when you have sheep...well unless you want to lead them you get bored easily. So here I sit. Still I say no. I have my private gatherings, and feel a bit of solidness to my ego thank you hun~ I needed to hear that. The Goddess has called me before, and this time very clearly~ and I am following in the path that is meant for me. And that does not include this entertainment bullshit...I am not a clown nor do I have all the answers...and really....some people are just more headaches than they are blessings. I include myself in that statement.
When I finally stopped the conversation...I realized I sounded like a jack ass from hell. I looked back at those finely printed words on the screen, in utter dismay of what I read...was that really me? Goodness sakes! Sounds like shes scared.....what am I scared of?
Sounds like I was defensive....a bit arrogant, and being private. These are not me, and not what I showed him the night we talked. Not what the other folks we talked to as well. Some of them have known me for years. So trying to understand why I just chopped this guy up without a reason I called another friend. This being a man locally who has known me for four years and hubby for six years. He also agreed with the gatherings. Why? I said....you know I just bit off his head for the suggestion...and I don't know why. What the hell am I doing?
uncomfortable....I am uncomfortable with myself....and what I know I need to do. I am uncomfortable with someone else pointing out things I feel inside and have not decided to pull out and show the world hey come look at this!
I am ashamed of somethings in my life, like giving in too many times and allowing my rather good traits to be so worn down that I had nothing left in my well. I allowed it all to happen without regard to what I was suppose to be doing. Now that I am on the right track....can't we just pit stop and stay? I mean.....procrastinating has its good sides ey? I mean right? nudge nudge...he didn't agree.
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
so far in the new house
2007-09-03
Sorry its been awhile since I posted. I have a few other blogs I am trying to get in the habit of deciding what subject goes where.
I think I will confine my sex life down to myspace as its easily set to 18 and over and I have a few bondage friends there. This one I can't seem to find that function and would really hate to pollute the listings.
Updates, I have moved, slowly but surely getting my feet under me here. Been about a week now. Havested and processed for freezing about 35 summer squash and the same in zuchinni. I filled at least ten huge freezer bags with peeled roma tomatoes. And smaller ones of cherry tomatoes. I like processing them in huge amounts but doesn't make using them this winter very easy~ rather have some smaller bags to pull from. The blackberries are still producing, mostly the Himalyan variety. They have a different taste than the others and made my first cobbler with them. Turned out well according to my critics. ...hehe
Yesturday we harvested the Basil and its slowly heating in the sill with oil for some flavored oil...I can't wait. Instead of the safflower oil we spiced it with almond. I think the mixture will work well. We also set some aside for basil vinegar and then froze the rest in ice cube trays smothered in oil.
I have about two pounds of garlic I pulled from the soil. Still in its drying phase. My mother in law helped me out with some preserving ways~ which I am entirely grateful for. I have been spending more time reading about processing vegetables than my religious studies for the time being. But have swayed my mentor into my lateness of testing by promising to write an essay of living off the garden, and with nature and how this effects my spiritual growth. She seemed quite content, and happy that I had a solution. Yay me~
The mints are drying, and man they smell so good. Pineapple mint, Orange and wooley mexican and slick mexican mint. I am sure they will make awesome teas this winter. This week its all about the herbs of mint and thyme, basil and oregono. Next week, we will dry the onions and garlic for winter. However, I did learn a new way for garlic, she processes it into minced pieces, saturated a bit with olive oil. Then froze little canisters so she can p ull one a month. She said it gets her through all fall and winter without having to buy minced, fresh or powdered garlic at all. Seems appropriate~ we are garlic lovers. I made a few batches for friends. I hope they like them. Takes several hours in the kitchen preparing it all and I hope they appreciate that. Home grown is sooo good~
We are still able to eat off the chard and fresh broccoli, the beet greens are now all died down and the lettuce bit the dust a few weeks ago. Now I am learning how to collect the seeds instead of buying new ones for next year. Its alot to digest, and nothing is set perfect I am finding. You can't find one strict way of doing things while gardening~ if the weather plays a bit differently, you change your ways a bit differently. I am usually good at rolling with change, so adapting, just seeing how much my memory can take up in the last while.
This year we grew pumpkins and several melons, I am getting hungry just watching them. oooo patience is a virtue I will have to work on!
I still feel a bit lonely however out here. It was nice to go to a chili night at derks. There was about ten folks and one family with kids. Many of my loves friends are single or dating~ but no want for kids and thus no tolerance for them either. About the tenth time they get asked "whatcha doin?" they take a deep breath and say 'wheres your mommy?" haha
But this other family that was there included my kids in making homemade tortillas. they were the corn variety and the kids had a blast. Then once the dinner was served out came the wine from the cook. haha, both me and the other mom happily agreed to a full glass of red wine. We cleaned up for hours. Dishes for about 20 people all together then all the cooking dishes.
I made myself comfortable amongst these guys, which Ihave referred to as my husbands friends, by doing dishes and drinking wine...haha The other gal, quite a beautiful lady actually was there beside me. We switched holding her little one on our hips scrubbing and wiping, pausing now and again to collect all nine kids to make sure they were not out breaking something.
It was kinda fun. And neat to meet someone that can do this~ the kids the cooking the cleaning and still have a good time. I have not meant someone with my chattery talent that keep up with me either. We went from household tips, to dealing with the country solitude, to fun ways to make crafts out of cornmeal and when would be a good time for us to go see her horses.
After all that was done I headed out to be with the guys. Some of the guys I knew and loved. Chris~ like a big kid he always was. Greeted me with a hug like crazy. He was gone to germany for two years until this last spring. So happy to have him home now. He plays with my kids and doesn't seem to mind their constant questioning and crawling up on his lap. Which that allows me sometime to just sit, and join in the conversation.
Derk of course was there, hugs and all. We caught up on our lives, not speaking directly very much in the last six months or so. He thanked me, which I found odd, for moving back down south. It seems here in this tri city area~ Lebanon, Corvallis and Albany~ theres a concept of being southerners of Salem and Portland. I still find it odd, but...I have to admit it made me feel 'at home' and welcomed. I had hoped they would be happy to have us. Derk, Chris and Rob are all gamers, and have helped me learn the ropes on Warhammer, Ultima online and Anarchy over the last few years. They don't mind playing with a girl and rather jealous of my love that he has a girl that games.
So in a big smile I decided to annouce that when we are moved in and Joi settled her new home~ the upstairs huge area will be a gaming zone~ with tables and all. I even plan to have a small fridge for the mt. dew and snacks since our games go on at least 6 to 8 hours. All I ask is that the smallish room off to the side not be touched as its our meditation and ritual room in the winter. They all agreed~ but one man stepped out of the crowd.
This man is a pagan from the east coast. Still rather new to the friends here baron has had for years. He wanted to start coming over for moons sometime. But still uknown~ I haven't said yes for sure. Just said well call us when your interested and we will see what we are doing. I don't know why. And I am starting to fear its because I am a bit shy towards outsiders still giving my last experience in salem. ....I hope thats not it, but if it is I better get over it quick. That is not the kind of person I want to be.
Well babble babble, this is my g rated country life so far. And I am just starting to get excited over the move. Now that I am living down here entirely....I feel more comfortable. But sleep doesn't come easily. I have had to leave the television on with cars zooming by to remember salem traffic. Puts me right to sleep.
Although, with a little help of the new mint jelup I am learning to make, I may just learn to have a bit of whiskey before bedtime. Seems to help settle the nerves.
0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Created with ShoutPost
